Until the new Pazz and Jop results are made web-available, I’m going to post some unrelated nonsense to keep things moving. Like the header states, this is a piece of mine that McSweeneys.net rejected (there were a few - they only accepted one - you can read it by checking the very first entry on this site). Presented in original format as per the McSweeney’s Web Submissions Guidlines.

Two letters that Teddy Pendegrass will not receive.

by Andrew Earles

901-_______

The “setting” is a confusing four minute late-night commercial for “The Best Of Teddy Pendegrass.” After the astronomical cost of 29.95 + 4.95 for shipping and handling is understood, the viewer is then instructed to send check or money order to:

Teddy Pendegrass
3 Commerce Lane
Mobile, AL 36644

Dear Teddy,

I have been a fan for some time and even went to a couple of your “Ladies Only” concerts when I was in college. DON’T ASK!! I was really surprised to find that you live in Mobile, Alabama. You must live on a boat. I bet you ride out into the beautiful gulf on starry nights. I live just right up here in Birmingham. I would drive down to visit, but I’m working a whole lot and I don’t like to put too much mileage on my car. I have a 1999 Oldmobile Delta 98. We usually take my husband’s car on long trips, but he doesn’t really like your music. I like it, but not enough to pay thirty-five dollars for two CD’s. I can go to Borders and get your greatest hits CD for 9.99. Why do you want so much money? Don’t you have enough? It doesn’t really matter, I’m still a fan, but jeez, no one’s going to pay that. Is that you talking on the commercial? Oh, and 19.95 plus shipping for two cassettes? I can tell you right now that no one who can’t afford a CD player is going to pay that much money for two tapes. I figured that you might want to know these things, they could help your business.

Best,

-Madeline Graves

Dear Teddy,

When I signed up for basic cable, I don’t remember checking a box that said “Yes, I want my enjoyment of ‘I, Detective’ shattered by a really long and really loud commercial for a singer that I don’t care a damned bit about. Maybe I’ll have time to finish reading “Shogun” while this commercial runs.” Nope. I left that one blank. Why are you on TV? I can’t even name one of your songs. Go to hell.

Scott