Let’s say, no let’s hope, that you are NOT one of the “1400 or so” critics that receives a Village Voice Pazz and Jop invitation every December. I will start this post with the official invitation, followed by my submission as a whole. Since the Voice refrained from printing any of my commentary this year, I can’t stand to see an hour’s worth of work go down the commode.

Dear Andrew Scott Earles:

You are among the 1400 or so critics we’re asking to vote in the 30th
or 31st Annual Pazz & Jop Critics’ Poll. If you no longer review records
regularly, please inform us by email. If you vote, please make sure we
have your address and the correct spelling of your name, and please let
us know (a) where you write, (b) your phone number, and (c) your email
address. Also, we remain curious about demographics and would love to
know whatever pertinent details you choose to share–age, race,
nationality, gender, sexual orientation. Top 10s are due EARLY: no later than 5
p.m. January 5 for the issue that hits the streets February 11. Please
don’t fail to vote just because you don’t have any comments in shape;
those can come as much as a week later. (Comments can be submitted along
with your online ballot, or emailed directly to ceddy@villagevoice.com,
and cc’d to musicintern@villagevoice.com.)

The simplest way to cast your ballot is online, using the following
link:

http://_____________________

This link is specific to you and can not be shared.

When entering votes, PLEASE be as accurate as possible about band
names, titles, and labels–especially if you vote for obscurities, which are
just about impossible to track online or even in stores. A few hints:
With band names, omit the word “The” at the beginnning. If you don’t
know the record label, leave it blank. But if you know for sure that no
record label is applicable (with certain Internet downloads, for
example), please enter the following: “no label”.

If you prefer, you can email your ballot to ceddy@villagevoice.com
(again, please cc: musicintern@villagevoice.com), specifying Pazz & Jop in
the subject heading. And if you absolutely must, you can fax your
ballot to 212-______; Attn: Chuck Eddy. We pay a tiny amount for each
comment excerpt, so if you send some, include your social security number.

Once again, all Top 10s will be made available online for any
interested reader to consult. All contributors living outside of Manhattan will
eventually be mailed a copy of the Pazz & Jop issue.

Voting for 2003 remains in just two categories: albums and singles. In
no case is literal release date binding, but we do ask for items that
made their impact, however you define that slippery term, in 2003. Some
records that got votes last year will get more votes this year, and
when the new vote is sizable, totals from the two years will be combined.
Since we no longer tally reissues, compilations, or EPs, you are
welcome to vote for any of these among your albums.

For albums, our point system asks that each critic divide 100 points
among 10 albums, with no album receiving more than 30 or less than 5. If
you list fewer than 10 albums, deduct 5 points from your 100 for each
omission, dividing 95 among 9, 90 among 8, etc. Those who prefer not to
weigh their selections can award 10 points each, as we will if no
points are indicated. Another way to avoid arithmetic is to divide points
15-14-13-12-11-9-8-7-6-5. Computation irregularities will be corrected
peremptorily by the Poobahs, usually at the expense of your
highest-ranked albums.

No points on singles–just list your 10 favorites. By “singles,” we
obviously no longer mean just commercially available items, but rather
what broadcasters and promo people call “focus tracks”. Please don’t vote
in a category if it doesn’t mean something to you, and only vote for as
many items in each category as you care about–one, if necessary. Do it
now. Thanks.

Robert Christgau
Chuck Eddy
Pazz & Jop Poobahs

My Pazz and Jop Critics Poll Entries

Name: Andrew Earles

Where I write or wrote for in 2003: Magnet Magazine, The Memphis Flyer, Chunklet, While You Were Sleeping, Pitchforkmedia.com, McSweeneys.net, and several entries/mini-chapters in “Lost In The Grooves” – a book to be published in October 2004. My unpublished musings can be read on www.failedpilot.com

Where I sent clippings in hopes of writing for in 2003: Everywhere

SSN: __________

Phone: 901-_______

E-mail: andrewsearles@yahoo.com

A Little Bit About Myself:

I turned 30 this year. During one of those 20-something years, I started free-lancing about music and writing without pay about other pop-culture subjects. Gut-busting thing is, I ended that fiery decade in much the same way…difference being a lot of bylines underneath things that people haven’t read. This creates a conundrum that I am craftily working to avoid. God willing, I will reach the other end of my shit-eating phase with music as a perfectly honed subject that leaves plenty of room in the workday for other writing interests. I refuse to become the once hip but painfully out-of-touch rock critic that puts garbage like Rascal Flats in my top ten lists under the guise of “actually liking it.” I will not be an aging, predictable reactionary. Worst yet is the post-30 writer that constantly harks back to “bands that were doing this better 10/20/30 years ago” and “this sounds like (enter forgotten footnote from mid-90’s here).” Nobody wants to read or hear that jaded script. I can be guilty of these offenses (well, not the reactionary one), and I’m trying to fix the problem.

Albums:

Led Zeppelin How The West Was Won (Atlantic)

Comments: Never liked Kiss, so this was my Kiss. Barring The Accused, this is perhaps the only band that I love now as much as I did when I was 14. Gets an automatic induction for being an album that I had to pay money for.

20 points.

The Party Of Helicopters Please Believe It (Velocette Records)

Comments: Lazy rock writers love to make a stink about how the sum of this band shouldn’t work. Yes, that is metal. Yes, that is ethereal pop. So what? Rock history is littered with great bands made of pieces that defy someone’s idea of logic. The Party Of Helicopters could be all over Howard Stern-syndicated/Date Rape Rock radio alongside future air-conditioning repairmen like Godsmack or Disturbed because they would appeal to the more discerning listener: the listener who likes the smarter Deftones and gets a knee-slapping kick out of these same radio stations rotation of Outkast’s “Hey Ya.” This is not a bad thing. The Party Of Helicopters deserve some kind of fame for making an album this alternately great, complicated (if you want to listen to it for that), and most importantly…inhumanely catchy.

15 points.

The Exploding Hearts Guitar Romantic (Dirt Nap)

Comments: Sometimes you just can’t believe the hook didn’t start life in some other huge song from some other huge year. These hooks came from the fountain that only a select few are allowed to taste. I play my girlfriend’s copy.

15 points.

Matmos The Civil War (Matador)

Comments:

I don’t know. Made me feel really nice.

10 points.

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists Hearts Of Oak (Lookout)

Great energy. Great words. Great songs. Ignore that this guy is the John Cougar of every year-end top-ten-list penned by every Look-At-All-Of-The-Cool-Crap-On-My-Top-Ten-That-I-Haven’t-Actually-Listened-To slimy, humorless “writer.” Ted will, however, more than likely be securing an afternoon slot at Farm Aid in his autumnal years.

10 points.

Zig Zag: 20 Junkshop Soft Rock Singles (RPM Records)

Not having the balls to explore the album cuts, I’ve long wondered if the Afternoon Rock hyper-geniuses of the 70’s ever measured up to their respective handfuls (or in some cases, sole) hits…hits that were hits for a reason. Of course there was Afternoon Rock perfection that went ignored. Stuff that didn’t make it, but was every bit as triumphant in craft as Dan Hill’s “Sometimes When We Touch”, Gerry Rafferty’s “Right On Down The Line”, Robert John’s “Sad Eyes”, Starbuck’s “Moonlight Feels Right”, Bob Welch’s “Sentimental Lady” (not his Mac version), Dave Mason’s “We Just Disagree”, The Climax Blues Band’s “I Love You”, America’s “Sister Golden Hair”, The Little River Band’s “Lady”, Paul Davis’ “I Go Crazy”, Poco’s “Crazy Love”, Bertie Higgins’ “Key Largo”, Ambrosia’s “How Much I Feel”, Firefall’s “Just Remember I Love You”, 10cc’s “I’m Not In Love”, Player’s “Baby Come Back,” Ace’s “How Long”, The Eagles’ “I Can’t Tell You Why”, Robbie Dupree’s “Steal Away”, England Dan and John Ford Coley’s “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”, Bread’s “If”, Lobo’s “I’d Love You To Want Me”, Chris Rea’s “Fool (If You Think It’s Over)”, Dr. Hook’s “Sharing The Night Together”, Al Stewart’s “Song On The Radio”, Michael Murphey’s “Wildfire”, Michael Johnson’s “Bluer Than Blue”, Sanford & Townsend’s “Smoke From A Distant Fire”, Orleans’ “Dance With Me”, Stephen Bishop’s “On and On”, or Batdorf and Rodney’s “Somewhere In The Night.” Except for a non-charter by Leo Sayer, no hit artists are represented. It’s akin to a Phillip K. Dickian alternaverse that’s just a finger snap away – these songs could have been huge. If a palm tree could have an orgasm, it would sound like Zigzag: 20 Junkshop Soft Rock Singles.

10 points.

Lightning Bolt Wonderful Rainbow (Load)

If the armies of sweatband donning, ironic devil sign-throwers are going to embrace Prog-Rock whilst turning it into flaccid Emo with multiple changes, let Lightning Bolt take it back to a primal behind-the-laundromat beat down.

5 points.

The New Pornographers Electric Version (Matador)

Could have recorded themselves making sandwiches and it would’ve sounded better than your pop album.

5 points.

The Michael Yonker’s Band Microminiature Love (Sub Pop)

Believe the hype. And read other writers’ boring descriptions. But yes, believe the hype.

5 points.

The Darkness Permission To Land (Atlantic)

Comments: Like everyone down to my Mom’s cat, I heard about this band before I heard this band. Upon reading about them, for a split sec, I felt like Bill Cosby the first time he heard N.W.A. Who were these assholes…these Johnny Come Lately morons exploiting listener stupidity? Peddling the cleverness of a Boston send up, in 2003, is exploiting listener stupidity. Then I did the right thing: I sat down with the record. Turns out, The Darkness do not bother me at all. A lot of what’s pulled of my record collection originally costs .25 and most of it is painfully well-written power metal or AOR – exactly what Permission To Land is with eyes shut. I’d much rather see millions of dollars spent parodying Aldo Nova than see a thousand dollars spent trying to recreate The Slits. Or ESG. Or Nu Shooz. Or The Information Society. Or the Gang Of Four. Just try to forget that lowest comedy denominators like Jack Black and Liam Lynch find The Darkness “hilarious.” Irony doesn’t always suck, but does when it surrounds every ham ‘n’ egger’s idea of this band.

5 points.

Singles:

OutKast “The Way You Move” (Arista)

Iron and Wine “Beneath The Balcony” (Sub Pop)

Fischerspooner “The 15th” (Capitol)

The Thermals “Goddamned The Light” (Sub Pop)

Iran “Four Armed Star” (Tumult)

Gary Wilson “Rhythm In Your Eyes” (Motel Records)

The Stills “Allison Krause” (Vice)

Dead Meadow “I Love You Too” (Matador)

Snoop dogg feat. Pharrell “Beautiful” (Priority)

The Fall “Theme From Sparta F.C.” (Action Records)

So that was this year.

Last year, I eschewed commentary for irregular fakery. If you look real close, it’s in the singles portion. Real close. The main impetus for this behavior was my inability to come up with a full ten singles/EPs. See it in its Internet glory by going here.

Albums
# artist title label points
1 Oneida Each One, Teach One Jagjaguwar 16
2 Drive Like Jehu Yank Crime Swaami 13
3 Iron and Wine The Creek Drank the Cradle Sub Pop 12
4 Tony, Caro and John All on the First Day Normal/Shadoks Music 10
5 Xiu Xiu Knife Play 5 Rue Christine 9
6 Pavement Slanted & Enchanted: Luxe & Reduxe Matador 9
7 Hot Snakes Suicide Invoice Swaami 8
8 Mastodon Remission Relapse 8
9 Destroyer This Night Merge 8
10 25 Suaves 1938 Bulb 7

Singles
# artist title label
1 Yeah Yeah Yeahs “Machine” Touch and Go
2 Alien Alltopless “A Sheet of Ren and Stimpy Acid” Likwid Dreads
3 Out Hud “Dad, There’s a Little Phrase Called Too Much Information” Kranky
4 Disk Drive “My ’80s Gym Trash Uniform Isn’t Going To Look So Cute in Five Years” Very Tee
5 John Wilkes Booze “Marc Bolan Makes Me Want to Fuck” Family Vineyard
6 Interpol “PDA” Matador
7 The Haskells “Taking the City By Storm” Milwaukee Hits
8 Business Casual “Let’s Just Do It on the Conference Table” You Ruined the Potluck
9 The Plural Nouns “I Sure Am Glad I Didn’t Take Yesterday Off….” Hang In There Ian
10 Peaches “Casanova”

To properly conclude this entry, we must be aware of Village Voice Music Edidawg Chuck Eddy’s reaction to my 2002 votes. After the first “Where’s The Street Team” appeared in Magnet, there was an aggressive thread on some innocuous cobweb-crotch message board. The thread was about Magnet’s Ten Year Anniversary Issue, and how the magazine is too white. Er….yeah, well, I’m not even going to get into that right now. My point is that MY name came up. Some nitwit complained that I classified Har Mar Superstar as a “novelty act.” Not going to get into that right now, either, but Edidawg Chuck Eddy chimed in with something along the lines of “he must love novelty acts because his ballot results were full of them.” Not really a direct quote, but close enough. Novelty acts. Nope, fake entries. Fake entries that are no longer funny. He ended his post with this exact sentiment: “Fuck Him.” As today’s little adventure illustrates, I got a ballot this year. Can I still write for the Voice? Someone answer me. Again…..”Fuck Him” the man wrote.