February 2004


See previous entry for description of theme. Must be familiar with cable TV.

Answers Next Round

by Andrew Earles

901-________

A.

“Code of Silence”: Chuck Norris, Henry Silva [1985] A Chicago police detective attacks a cocaine warehouse with a remote-controlled item called the Prowler. [101 minutes] Crime drama [R]

B.

“Code of Silence”: Chuck Norris, Henry Silva [1985] A stoic drug kingpin is sent over the edge when a Chicago police detective knocks over several barrels marked “cocaine.” [101 minutes] Crime drama [R]

C.

“Code of Silence”: Chuck Norris, Dennis Farina [1985] A Chicago police detective leads a motley band of every-men in an attack against a ruthless drug kingpin and his seemingly unending torrent of cue stick-wielding henchmen. [101 minutes] Crime drama [R]

A.

“Doc”: Billy Ray Cyrus, Claudette Mink “Art or Death?” An ornery and unbridled artist insists on preparing for an opening, much to the chagrin of the straight-shooting Doc, who is treating the man for cancer. [60 minutes] Family drama [PG]

B.

“Doc”: Billy Ray Cyrus, Ron Lea “The Art of Medicine.” An avant-garde artist faces depression after a successful transplant. [60 minutes] Family drama [PG]

C.

“Doc”: Billy Ray Cyrus, Ron Lea “The Next Warhol.” The joke-slinging, casually attired Doc is forced to match wits with a cynical artistic patient bent on checking himself out of the hospital early. [60 minutes] Family drama [PG]

A.

“Renaissance Man”: Danny Devito, Gregory Hines [1994] A fish out of water substitute teacher contends with military school deviants. [129 minutes] Comedy [TV-14]

B.

“Renaissance Man”: Danny Devito, Maurice Hines [1994] Juvenile lost causes win over diminutive man who has been hired to teach them the ropes of life. [129 minutes] Comedy [TV-14]

C.

“Renaissance Man” Danny Devito, Gregory Hines [1994] An unemployed adman educates eight iffy Army recruits with Shakespeare. [129 minutes] Comedy [TV-14]

Answers Next Round, Second Round

by Andrew Earles

901-_______

A.

“Pootie Tang”: Lance Crouther, Jennifer Coolidge [2001] An urban folk hero with a magical belt buckle saves youths with his anti-drug TV spots and stance against Corporate America. [70 minutes] Comedy [PG-13]

B.

“Pootie Tang”: Lance Crouther, Jennifer Coolidge [2001] Although he speaks an indecipherable language, a super-hero protects children from a mogul who encourages smoking and drinking. [70 minutes] Comedy [PG-13]

C.

“Pootie Tang”: Lance Crouther, Wanda Sykes [2001] Armed with an invented street slang that the public pretends to understand, Pootie Tang promotes clean living and publicly flogs a very undignified Robert Vaughn about the bare ass with a fantastical belt. [70 minutes] Comedy [PG-13]

A.

“Cujo”: Dee Wallace, Danny Pintauro [1983] A hysterical woman and her screaming child are trapped in a small car by a deadly St. Bernard for a very, very, long time. [91 minutes] Horror [R]

B.

“Cujo” Dee Wallace, Danny Pintauro [1983] A frothing, killer dog disrupts the daily to-do’s in a quaint New England town. From the Stephen King novel. [91 minutes] Horror [R]

C.

“Cujo” Dee Wallace, Danny Pintauro [1983] Bitten by a rabid bat, a huge dog traps a Maine woman and her young son in their Ford Pinto. From the Stephen King book. [91 minutes] Horror [R]

A.

“Weekend At Bernies” Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman [1989] Two guys party with their bumped-off boss at his long island beach house, and no one notices. [98 minutes] Comedy [PG-13]

B.

“Weekend At Bernies” Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman [1989] Two party guys cover up the fact that their boss is dead, and continue to live it up at his beach side paradise. [98 minutes] Comedy [PG-13]

C.

“Weekend At Bernies” Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman [1989] Under-motivated buds somehow manage to convince many people that the corpse of their boss is a sentient party host. [98 minutes] Comedy [PG-13]

Answers to first round: A, B, C,

Answers to second round: I forgot

Until the new Pazz and Jop results are made web-available, I’m going to post some unrelated nonsense to keep things moving. Like the header states, this is a piece of mine that McSweeneys.net rejected (there were a few - they only accepted one - you can read it by checking the very first entry on this site). Presented in original format as per the McSweeney’s Web Submissions Guidlines.

Two letters that Teddy Pendegrass will not receive.

by Andrew Earles

901-_______

The “setting” is a confusing four minute late-night commercial for “The Best Of Teddy Pendegrass.” After the astronomical cost of 29.95 + 4.95 for shipping and handling is understood, the viewer is then instructed to send check or money order to:

Teddy Pendegrass
3 Commerce Lane
Mobile, AL 36644

Dear Teddy,

I have been a fan for some time and even went to a couple of your “Ladies Only” concerts when I was in college. DON’T ASK!! I was really surprised to find that you live in Mobile, Alabama. You must live on a boat. I bet you ride out into the beautiful gulf on starry nights. I live just right up here in Birmingham. I would drive down to visit, but I’m working a whole lot and I don’t like to put too much mileage on my car. I have a 1999 Oldmobile Delta 98. We usually take my husband’s car on long trips, but he doesn’t really like your music. I like it, but not enough to pay thirty-five dollars for two CD’s. I can go to Borders and get your greatest hits CD for 9.99. Why do you want so much money? Don’t you have enough? It doesn’t really matter, I’m still a fan, but jeez, no one’s going to pay that. Is that you talking on the commercial? Oh, and 19.95 plus shipping for two cassettes? I can tell you right now that no one who can’t afford a CD player is going to pay that much money for two tapes. I figured that you might want to know these things, they could help your business.

Best,

-Madeline Graves

Dear Teddy,

When I signed up for basic cable, I don’t remember checking a box that said “Yes, I want my enjoyment of ‘I, Detective’ shattered by a really long and really loud commercial for a singer that I don’t care a damned bit about. Maybe I’ll have time to finish reading “Shogun” while this commercial runs.” Nope. I left that one blank. Why are you on TV? I can’t even name one of your songs. Go to hell.

Scott

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