The Fixture

This barstool barnacle gets louder, older, more out of touch, and uglier by the second. Usually at every single party or show, personal taste notwithstanding…there might not even be any. Feels as though he or she (occurs cross-gender) is in some sort of “i’ve-been-sitting-around-this-town-not-doing-shit-with-myself-longer-than-you” competition. Will absorb whatever agenda suits the immediate need, whether it be Rave, Rockabilly, Garage, Alt-Country, and will exhalt mainstream culture to be reactionary. Will not, however, backstep into punk or hardcore (will talk about days of yore, though) Suffers from public co-dependence, thus never, ever, stays home. Has been in 2,685 bands, and has 2,685 boring stories to show for it, but focuses hard on #1,782. Doesn’t own a TV, and will make sure that you know this. Nickname will be monosyllabic. Female version also identifiable by the more traditional “barfly.” Has tried to take you home at least once. Always eager to spin yarns about very, very serious drug addictions from the past.

The Aging Gutter Punk

Shares many characteristics with the above. This one usually goes by a real first name followed or preceded by an endearing identifier.

The Sports Superfan

At a Superbowl party some years back, I was introduced to a man that went by the name “Coach.” He was not a real coach…of anything.