In case it was unclear to anyone, my colonoscopy went fine. Clean. No problems. In hindsight, it was worth the terrible pre-exam prep, during which I was forced to elevate my personal terror alert level to a “code brown.” I started a full schedule of school today (15 hours), and first day agoraphobia and alienation set in HARD. In age (not aesthetics), I’m midway between traditional college student and 40-year-old extreme dad/out-of-work loan officer or “big momma’s goin’ back to college!!” Funny, as today gave me the best examples of both: An adventure-hippie-hemp-necklace-beach-asshole stops in the doorway of my 8:00 AM class. He is wearing a t-shirt that shows a minimal outline of an innocuous muscle car. Above this image is the phrase: “My Other Ride Is Your Mother.” After comparing his school schedule with the room number, he gives himself a congratulatory, Spicoli-style smirk, and sits right next to me in a classroom of at least 20 empty seats. Then, walking across campus in broad day light, was a 40+ man in giant cargo shorts, comparable beach-asshole necklace, and a t-shirt that said: “I Can Already Envision The Duct Tape Across Your Mouth.” Don’t worry fella, you didn’t need the t-shirt to help in avoiding random, friendly introductions.

Back in the world that I know, there sits an unfinished needs-to-be-at-least-3,000-words story on the downfall of Cris Kirkwood. This was done, to great acclaim and accomplishment, in 1999. I’m trying to pick it up, dust it off, update it, and I have no idea how to do this. Good thing that the magazine editor needing this piece a week from today…well, good thing he reads this site. No worries.