(The Cruise Confusicles)

I’m not really in the mood nor position to poke fun at people (1), and as such, will start to pop the lid on these cruise thoughts. David Foster Wallace wrote the last word on cruises. That last word is called “A Supposedly Fun Thing That I’ll Never Do Again,” and it appears in the collection of the same name. The shorter version, titled “Shipping Out,” was published by Harper’s in 1996. He was 33 years old. You, reader, should read this essay. It’s great, and more or less, dead on. Harper’s paid for his seven day vacation aboard Celebrity Cruises, Inc ship - an estimated $3000.00 - instructing that they wanted “an extended postcard.”

My mom paid for my five-day vacation aboard a Carnival Cruise Lines ship, what DFW terms “The Wal-Mart Of Cruise Lines.” It cost an estimated $600.00. Though an economy package, it was nonetheless the best Christmas gift I’ve received in years (2). Years. I had a wonderful time and wouldn’t dare let any of my dissections belie this fact.

Six hundred dollars buys the following:

*Entry onto the ship.

*My own cabin on the very back (aft) of the boat. My view was sometimes breathtaking (3), as I looked straight down the wake. The cabin was tremendously comfortable. Two terrycloth bathrobes were provided, each with a colorful Carnival Cruise Lines logo sewn into the breast area. One night, as I tore half-drunk down the hall looking for my room steward and wearing only the bathrobe, another guest whimpered “oooh lord…..”, and promptly shut her cabin door. Occasionally, after my daily hangover-reducing nap, I would bathrobe-it three decks up to “The Wharf” for a coffee to go. “The Wharf” was the perpetually open buffet/bar that adjoined the pool area.

*Tea, coffee, juice, and water.

*Food.

*Entertainment.

After putting a Visa/Debit card on file, I was provided a “Sail and Sign” card. Unless it falls under one of the above categories, every move made depends on this card. Outside of the casino (”The Gaming Room” “No Minors”), cash is useless.

$600.00 does not cover the following:

*Soft drinks and any form of booze.

*Photographs.

*Any item in the “duty free” shop.

*Excursions off of the ship.

One morning, after being blasted from sleep by a mind-altering hangover (4), I took no time in cracking open the 20 oz. Sprite sitting on my desk. Cokes, Sprites, and a bucket of ice. My impulsiveness was rewarded with a $5.00 entry on my Sail and Sign Statement.

Though bottles of booze were dirt cheap ($11.00 for a liter of Absolut), they were not delivered to your cabin until the final morning (or “Fun Day At Sea”) of the cruise. The Wharf’s orange juice machine was not lonely on this day, and I suspect there was rampant filching of the restaurant’s criminally small plastic cups.

Wanting to better fit in, I paid the cover price ($7.99) for Robin Cook’s Seizure, which was so fucking boring that I stopped around page 40 (5), but paid a whopping $7.00 for a much-needed 24-count bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol. Sunscreen was priced astronomically at $10.00 a bottle for an off-brand (6).

That’s it for the first scrambled take, I’ll be back in a day or two with more cruise notes, including my embarrassing and insane bar tab for the whole cruise. And for interested parties, I have a gently worn copy of Robin Cook’s Seizure cluttering up my life.

1. Though, at the moment, I do have some ammunition
2. Not to mention the monetary coverage of motel rooms there and back, plus most of the road food and gas
3. Especially on a moonlit night, and most were moonlit nights.
4. Truth be told, this was every morning.
5. And I’ll read some crap.
6. Let’s be optimistic and hope that I’ll deplete this bottle over the next decade.