Let’s say, for shits and giggles, that it’s Fall of 2003. Jeff Jensen and I had a great idea. We turned this great idea into a magazine piece. We got a magazine interested. We turned the piece in, only to have an editor rewrite it into a ham-fisted, drug-addled, unfunny, attempt at humor. It was not editing; it was a rewrite. The piece was not sent back to us for suggestions or changes, but the editor’s version of what the piece should be/was going to be was sent to us in a take-it-or-leave-it gesture. It was over the editor’s requested word count, amusingly, and dumbed-down so grossly that I had my name changed to a pseudonym of the editor’s liking. What appeared in the magazine was wholly unlike what was turned in. Below is the original piece, pre-destruction at the hands of someone who incorrectly believes that they are funny (and know how to write).

(Note: Above is my personal opinion of the affair, not Jeff’s, and I control the content of this web site)

(Untitled) by Jeffrey Jensen and Andrew Earles

Ebay has changed the world. It has put some of my favorite record and bookstores out of business. It has become the main source of income for many of my recently jobless friends. And nowadays it’s the one-stop shopping spot for such disparate and random items as Chuck Woolery’s actual driver’s license (not lying) and crates of frozen meat. You can truly “win” anything you desire off eBay. So it shouldn’t have surprised me when I ran across a kind of unusual auction while querying the words “prank calls.” I found someone not selling recordings of pranks but rather “his services” as a prank caller. He claimed he would call anyone-anytime-anywhere. The item description was something like “Want to get back at your boss?” “Getting bullied at school?” “Well let me handle it!”

The cost? Seven Dollars.

My friend Andy bid on it and “won.” Below is his correspondence with the seller…Kevin.

First, some things you should know:

1. Kevin didn’t call on the night he was supposed to. Trust me I was prepared to go toe-to-toe with this well-meaning yet dim-witted rookie. I couldn’t decide between Jeff’s hysterical Mother or his recently widowed gay lover so I was just going to “free-ball” it when he called.
2. He transcribed his calls verbatim. They’re still on my answering machine.
3. The psychotic tone of his voice is hard to describe. He seemed equal parts Trench Coat Mafia and Dorm Wigger. (so considering the (name of magazine here) demographic the chances of him running across this article are high)
4. The CD Kevin received is called The Bigfoot Recordings. It’s a field recording from the mid-70’s of “scientists” tracking a Sasquatch in the Sierra Mountains. It’s a pretty low-rent audio Blair-Witch-kinda-affair with extended periods of forest sounds punctuated by nervous guys saying “Did you hear that?” or “I think that’s the female” or my personal fave “Come on out, Biggie”. One of the more head-scratching elements is the god-awful Smooth Jazz soundtrack provided by Charles McPherson. A score better suited for a BET Profile of Gregory Hines or Ben Verene.
6. Kevin’s copy was a CDR without linear notes or artwork.
7. Number of the victim? My home phone (Earles). It was originally Jensen’s, hence the victim’s name.

The correspondence:

I already added positive feedback to your eBay account. All
I need is Who you want me to call, What you want me to say,
Why the prank is being done, and When you want me to
do it. Hope to hear from you soon.
-Kevin

Andy preceded to instruct Kevin of his duties:

I want you to call a former co-worker of mine. His name is Jeff. He literally made my life a living hell. He would steal my lunch out of the break-room refrigerator at a rate of at least two times a week. Each time I called him out on it, he would respond with something like, “Sucks for you,” or “Please come back later, can’t you see that I’m eating your lunch?” or just simply, “Bring it on.” I know this sounds crazy, but it’s 100% true.

Sometimes we’d have office-wide drawings for different prizes, you know, just a simple put-your-name-in-the-box sort of thing. I really wanted this Two Free Entrees at Houlihan’s prize, because I had just started dating this girl, and that seemed like a cool date. I don’t know how, but he knew I really wanted it. I walked by his desk and there was my entry slip. I said, “Why’d you take that out of the box?” He replied, “Houlihan’s shouldn’t be serving your type.” Then he started laughing maniacally. Here’s the topper: On his last day with the company there was a big “going away” party for him. Everyone left early, probably to go meet at The Fox and Hound (a bar and grill around the corner). I was pretty busy, so I just got some cake and went back to my office to finish some reports. When I went down to my car (a brand new Hyundai Santa Fe’), someone had written “Buttfuck” along the driver’s side with black shoe polish. I was already late in picking up my 13-year-old son from school, so I didn’t have time to wash it off. It was one of the most embarrassing days of my life. I want you to call and be totally abusive. Give him hell! I can’t wait to hear how this goes.
-Andy

Andy went to sleep that night convinced that he had crossed the line; that Kevin would call his bluff. Andy was wrong.

Kevin replies:

HOLY DOG SHIT this guy is evil! I’ll call him Sunday night 3am NY time. I’ll call until he tells me to stop. If the call is traced it’ll be to a payphone in Northern, CA. I’ll give you a transcript of the call. What does this asshole look like? Does he have any weaknesses? (Fat, Moles etc) What would really get his goat?
-Kevin

Figuring that Kevin’s bullshit detector was taking the day off, Andy went at him with more outlandish tales:

I’m trying to think of some characteristics or flaws for you to work with. He is, or was, in pretty good physical shape. He really liked those Sobe “No Fear” Energy Drinks, and kept several in the break room fridge. If he found someone stealing them, he promised to “waste their ass.” He was the only employee that could get away with cursing loudly. Sometimes he thought it was really cool to sound “urban,” and he’d yell “THAT’S RIGHT, BOYYYEEEEEEE!!!” out of nowhere. You know, it was that thing that the Beastie Boys used to say.

Maybe you could mention his divorce. I know he has a son living with his ex-wife. He had one of those giant novelty dream catchers hanging in his cubicle…it was like three feet in diameter. He would always stand back and stare at it repeating the word, “Badass.” Oh shit, I almost forgot, he’s missing half of his little finger (I forget which hand). He was out one night throwing darts at this place called South Beach. Some guy threw a dart through Jeff’s finger. Jeff was so drunk that he didn’t get it examined until the next day, it got infected REAL bad. They had to take it off at the joint. Hopefully that’s enough. I really hope you get this asshole on the phone, and a detailed transcription would be great!
-Andy

As promised, Kevin offered a blow-by-blow of the call:

The Call has been made. I just got the answering machine. Then I called back and left 2 messages, first one to see if he was home. Second one I let him have it. I recorded them so I can tell you word for word what was said (legally I cannot give you the recording)
1st call: “Hey Jeff you DUMB FUCK, You too stupid to know how to pick up the phone. Stop jerking off with your 4 1/2 fingered hand and pick up the fucking phone!”
2nd call “ You Should have your balls ripped off with a fork, so you don’t contaminate the rest of the world you asshole! If you’re that fucking stupid how can you be smart enough to fuck? No wonder your bitchy wife took your son away, you’d probably kill him you’re so fucking stupid! Shit she must have been pretty fucking ugly and stupid to screw your dumb ass to begin with. Why don’t you shove that “Bad Ass” dreamcatcher of yours up your ass, you fucking asshole”

Hope you like the calls, they’re not the most creative ones I’ve done but I’m sure it’ll piss him off, especially since he won’t know my voice. If there’s someone else you’d like me to call just let me know.
-Kevin

Andy takes it to another level:

Thanks! I left positive feedback for you. Kevin, I feel kind of bad because I paid for only one call, and you made three separate attempts. I don’t have the funds to send another seven dollars but I do have some stuff around the house that’s worth seven dollars. I have a “Garfield Takes The Cake” book, a wicker magazine rack, a digital alarm clock that I think works, and a talking tomato from that “Veggie Tales” movie (it was my son’s).

On second thought, I’ve got another idea. I think what you’re doing with this whole win-a-prank-call-off-of-Ebay thing is really fresh. I’m starting a zine called “Human Parvo” and I could use a guy like you to review new CD’s. I have a disc I want you to review, but keep in mind: It is TOTALLY extreme. I’m going to let it be a surprise. The deadline is soon, so I need your address quick! I’ll send this CD as soon as you contact me. Hopefully you’re still up for it! Got Milk? Ha! Ha!
P.S. I’m hoping for the same daring (ballsy) style used in your phone pranks. Don’t let me down.
-Andy

Glad you liked the call. You don’t have to pay me extra for making three calls. I live for this shit. Thanks for the offer of working on the Zine. I use to run one myself in High School, I also wrote movie reviews in the School Paper. Plus, you’ll never meet anyone with such a broad taste in music as me. I’d love to be part of it.
-Kevin

Kevin’s Review:

I don’t know what to say about this. Is this supposed to be music? It just sounds like a couple assholes fucking around in the woods*. Are they looking for Big Foot or something? When you said “extreme” I was expecting some harder shit. I fell asleep halfway through.
-Kevin

* Coincidentally the same reaction I received after trying to turn my Nu-Metal stepbrother on to The Black Dice.