Not that anyone has the stamina, but what you might be about to read is 6,000+ words of total inanity. These are the linear notes to Just Farr A Laugh, the comedy CD that I put out three years ago. I post them because I love them. They are co-written with Jeffrey Jensen, who is also the co-caller/creator on the CD. There is a fire for completing Just Farr Another Laugh (when Jeff was recently in town, the only ideas we could come up with fell into the “far too offensive” zone) - Jensen and I are re-working the core set of calls and adding new ones. Until then, enjoy this senseless bullshit that accompanied the first CD. It’s probably one of the best things I’ve ever (co) written. Since none of the 934 people that own a proper copy ever bothered to read these, and the countless turds that burned copies never knew they existed, here they are. Hat’s off to excess. BTW, I’m Giles Palermo and Jeff is Jude something-or-other. Ah, the days when we were scared enough to use pseudonyms. It made the Onion’s Top 5 Comedy Albums of 2002, and for some reason, a lot of rock bands still think it’s funny. I harp about the past because I’m looking at the future.
You are one of the lucky ones. You have to be, because you are reading this. You fall into one of six categories, none any unluckier than another.
Category One: You could be the consummate prank call fan. The addict who collects, trades, or buys every prank call document they can get their little mitts on. I personally didn’t think that this type of person existed until I did a search on www.google.com for “prank calls.” You are hidden in basement playrooms across the nation…..the world, maybe. All of the sudden your websites were like porn – you couldn’t swing a popsicle stick on the internet without hitting one. This depressed me. Our comedy release, the one you are holding right now, would get lost in the glut, Greatest Prank Call Release Ever or not. But like most of my fears, this one was swiftly squelched by reality - reality in the form of the sound files that are liberally posted on most prank call websites. That’s right, none of you are funny. None of you are funny because, well, most of you are, for lack of a better phrase, fucking idiots. Majority dictates that fucking idiots are grossly unfunny when they try their hand at prank phone calling. While we’re at it, let’s breach the Internet boundary and just talk about prank phone call releases in general for a sec. If we take the recorded history of prank phone calls as a whole, over the decades, you will find that most are just godawful, and that most are divided between the before mentioned “fucking idiots” and the “clever, intellectual” pranksters, the latter of which is no better than the former. Take the “Radio Jihad/Melba Calls” for instance. While they certainly are good for a few brilliant moments, they break my self-imposed “No Politics/No Religion”
rule. Oh, you’re left wing. Oh, you’re anti organized religion. Oh, you’re blowing my mind. Another strike against prank callers is any and all involvement with The Church of the Subgenius (the “Frank Zappa” of humor/subversive behavior).
Again, my mind is blown. Why don’t you try this out, clever guy, why don’t you FUCK WITH THE PERSON BASED ON POP-CULTURAL DEMOGRAPHICS?? FUCK WITH THEM BASED ON HUMAN NATURE?? God forbid. Get off your crutches. So, as the consummate prank call fan, please be prepared to hear something funny for a change.
Category Two: You felt challenged by the CD’s title. “Oh yeah? We’ll see about that!” you muttered to your lonely, single self. This category covers myriad personalities, so it’s hard for me to say anything aside from PREPARE TO BE SERVED!!!!!
Category Three: You are about to write something about this CD for distribution/promotional purposes, and you either cracked one open for in-store play or you filched your own. That’s all fine. You can spread the word, because you will have this CD memorized by the end of the week. You will be forcing it on houseguests at various times between 7pm and 7am. You will play it in your record store for unsuspecting customers, therefore inching us further toward the fame that we deserve.
Category Four: You are the simple soul that just needs a laugh. You figured, “Hey, I haven’t heard any good prank phone calls, or any good comedy CD’s for that matter, in quite a while, so I’ll check this out.” You are my favorite, next to……..
Category Five: You are somehow acquainted with the party responsible for producing this comedy masterstroke, and as such, you were slipped a free copy. You will be very few in number, so few, that the parties involved would like to know about you in an attempt to police those who fuck up. If you received a copy of this CD for free, from someone claiming to have a part in its creation, please send a brief description of the exchange to……
I Got Your Prank Phone Call CD For Free
ATTN: Dr. Hook
The Yakov Smirnoff Funny Bone Clinic
90125 Good Times Blvd,
Smoothwater Canyon USA
Category Six: You are reading the liner notes to a CD purchased by your boyfriend/husband.
Regardless of your personal category, you deserve a great big hug for delegating a portion of the day to real comedy, specifically real comedy that I co-produced. Enjoy the sounds, and follow along with each call’s handy descriptions!
– Sheraton Giles Palermo
Phunny how we set out to make the Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever, and most of these calls were made in the morning while still feeling the effects of the previous evening’s serious alcohol abuse. I always feel a little more prone to funny business on those hazy mornings, though not so much these days, because now I forget how to breathe and want to poke my eyes with scissors when I wake up hung-over.
I want to thank my family for pretending that I wasn’t on LSD all those times, otherwise I would have probably spent more than just 28 days in the hospital. But that’s not really what we’re talking about here…now is it? What we’re talking about is the telephone and cassette recorders and underground comedy compact discs even though my parents actually asked me if I wanted to go for “a ride” on that afternoon. “A ride?” “Well okay I guess” “where are we going?” “Hey, this is a hospital…what are we doing here?” Next thing I know I was painting ceramic bunnies with guys named Travis at the Shawnee Mission Medical Center in a ward called “Unit 6.” I had never touched a girl’s bosom before, and it finally happened for me on an outing to the local cineplex to see Gotcha starring Anthony Edwards. Her name was Kerri Hartzell; she was a blonde, trashy metalhead with braces from Raytown that had a thick Missouri accent. Eventually the counselors forbid Kerri and I to be anywhere near one another. She was released before me and since you can’t get across a giant suburban sprawl when you’re in seventh grade, there was no way for us to continue seeing each other. I never saw her again. So if you’re out there reading this Kerri, thank you for letting me touch your breast. It meant a lot to me.
After being released from “Unit 6,” I was sent to St. John’s Academy. This would be the same school featured in the Robert Downey Sr. directed teen romp, Up The Academy, which, I might add, starred a very young Ralph Macchio. I was dropped off with very few possessions, but among them were the Breakin’ II: Electric Boogaloo OST and a copy of Quiet Riot’s Metal Health. I went AWOL with another kid from my Platoon named Chase June. We had saved up sixty dollars between the two of us, which apparently was not enough money to keep a trucker from calling the police after we attempted to bribe a ride to Wichita out of him. Pathetic. I’m kind of glad that I’m not living in Wichita with Chase.
I would like to dedicate this collection to all of the sad souls sleeping in bunks at “Unit 6” and Saint John’s tonight.
Yours truly,
Jude Carmona
Credits:
Co-executive producers: Jude Carmona and Sheraton Giles Palermo
CD drawing: Lord Jeffrey
Back cover drawings: Lord Jeffrey
Back cover layout: Alex R.
Until part two of this series sees the light of morn, we The Producers Of This Compact Disc are going to make you The Enjoyer Of This Compact Disc, an offer: There are hours upon hours of phone calls that did not make it, and for ten dollars, we will make you a GUARENTEED FUNNY cassette tape (or perhaps CD-R, we’ll talk) of outtakes, found calls, old calls, long calls, extremely offensive calls, or Too Hot For The Greatest Prank Call Release Ever calls, that for a grocery list of important and not-so-important reasons, had to be left out. There are moments that you will not want to miss. Trust us!!!!
DISCLAIMER: We The Producers Of This Compact Disc hereby declare that any recorded resemblance to people living or dead is a celebrity impersonation carried out by professional entertainers, similar to Rick Dees or Rich Little. All call recipients are aware that they were pranked, and this release is for amusement purposes only. Lastly, the liner notes are a work of fiction.
1. Gamemasters - I just want to start off on the right foot and state that, upon the writing of these liner notes (which just started one minute ago), none of these phone calls are funny anymore. Making a Gamemasters employee listen to the blaring tones of a plastic vocoder are only funny to people who believe certain myths about gamers. Gamers do not unwittingly hear otherworldly voices in their heads, so exploiting this poor sap’s supposed existence in another reality must have been the drive behind this mercifully short phone call. I am so out-of-the-loop when it comes to gamer culture, I mean, the last time I poked fun at this these larger-than-life targets was directly after reading “Talking To The Opposite Sex Is Overrated: The Gathering” or something like that, in Spin magazine several years back. On the flippety-flip, “gamers” have always done a fine job of terrifying the piss out of me, now more so than ever, seeing as how most of them seem to have immigrated into the realm of film-geekdom. (SGP)
Well let me just start off by saying that the sound you’re hearing there is not an actual Chaotic/Good Elf speaking in his native tongue. It’s a battery-powered children’s toy. The kind of device that’s normally put to use in situations when tots want to emphasize quips like “get out my yard, you fucker!!!” or “Shane is a faggot!!!” In this case it used by a caller bent on interrupting a round of Star Frontiers at a local retail gamery called Gamemasters. This harmless Gamer with an apparent willingness to go along with the joke gets an unprovoked poke with the old the prank pole, plus an excuse to talk about something other than Piers Anthony’s Xanth Chronicles for at least five minutes after this call ended. (JC)
2. Introducing Bleachy: Poised To Sweep The Nation - In all the years I’ve known Bleachy, I’ve only seen the little guy in two outfits. The first he wears around his bedroom in the basement of his parent’s house. It’s a cute pair of striped denim train conductor’s overalls complete with puffy hat and bright red pocket-bandanna. It’s only when he steps out into the world that you’ll see him wearing his signature shiny yellow satin jacket, black beret and those air pump hi-tops with “fancy” laces. On weekend days he can normally be spotted in fast food restaurant parking lots operating his remote-control monster truck or just strutting around town weighed down with back-issues of Cracked magazine or party-sized hoagies. Bleachy is also an amazing dancer and a great guy to bring to a party, but trust me, he’s a helluva lot more fun to hang out with late on a Saturday night than first thing Sunday morning (don’t ask). (JC)
Now’s a good time to state something: This entire CD is composed of tapes that were found in thrift shop answering machines, maybe, or in the case of the recurring Bleachy fiasco, in the tape deck of a 1983 Chevrolet Citation. I purchased the car from a large man sitting on a couch. He never rose to show me the car, offer a glass of water, or explain to me why an 18- year old, poorly designed, domestic hatchback with an odometer reading of 223,893 had a large picture of Foster Brooks hanging from the rearview mirror. I literally had to toss him the $80.00, barely missing the half-eaten Nighthawk Diner Brand frozen dinner that was also vying for lap space. Other tapes were on the floorboard, wrapped in a “Roger Waters: In The Flesh Live 2000” 100% cotton tour t-shirt, but that’s another affliction altogether. (SGP)
3. Taco Bell Dog and Taz Tattoos - Money talks and then current pop-cultural icons elicit a sigh of familiarity. (SGP)
Let me give you a little background here. I’m a white male in my late 20’s. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Through the years I’ve actually paid good money in earnest to see The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Southern Culture on the Skids, and Prong to name just a few. There are pictures of me in the family album sporting a sides-shaved skater-wave haircut wearing a Suicidal Tendencies T-shirt underneath a baggy trench coat. I’ve worn a chain-wallet, racing striped windbreaker, and stocking cap all at the same time. Yeah, it takes some hardcore cojones to admit some of this shit (and trust me I could go on all day, brother) but let’s just say that ever since that afternoon in 84’ when I bought my first Flesh For Lulu tape, I’ve been through hell and back. Yet somehow, despite some of the more unbecoming moments in my development, I’ve managed to waltz into the early years of this new millennium tattoo-free. What happened? How did I do it? Just a little thing I like to call forward thinking. You should check it out sometime. These tattoo-related prank calls are probably not as funny as your “belly-button tribal” will be in a decade or so, but come to think of it, neither are you. An interesting side note: apparently, the image of Taz is the most common tattoo in the world. (JC)
4. Morris Day Is On His Way - I never saw the movie (Coyote Ugly, not Purple Rain), nor did I see Cocktail starring Tom Cruise, so, I’m not sure if I’m really qualified to comment here, but would somebody please tell me what the caller is actually saying when talking about “Andre?” It sounds like he’s saying, “I’m letting him have his rest duty with his mere.” What the hell is a “mere?” It just doesn’t make any sense to me. This is the last time I’m letting someone guest star on my prank phone call CD. (JC)
This is the CD’s first comedy hook that you’re a little ashamed of loving….oh….wait a sec…..Bleachy has already crashed the party. Never mind. (SGP)
5. “Honey, Tiger Woods is On The Phone, Quit Fiddle-Fucking Around” - Even though the female-impersonating caller breaks character and elicits very audible laughter immediately after the husband’s first semi-violent outburst, I’m convinced that our rube doesn’t realize that he is on the other end of the phunny phone. Nor I doubt, was he suspicious the next day when no follow-up call came his way. He probably just figured that a psychopathic shape-shifting alcoholic husband was beating the frightened mall-walker within inches of her life. Regardless to your reaction to all of this, hopefully you’ll at least agree that it was about time that Lee Trevino’s name finally popped up in the Black-Market Comedy landscape. (JC)
To be aurally noted is the apparent stream-of-consciousness rant that the caller slips into during the first minute or so. I have actually played this call to audiences who have never seen Caddyshack, but that’s my problem, not yours. This very messy call was improvised on the spot, but tends to alienate no one at all. It is high time to stop making the same 80 people laugh! (SGP)
6. Waking Up Alone On The 4th Of July (Live On The Radio) - I’m a little confused here. Did I miss some cultural upheaval that resulted in July 3rd becoming a singles fuck-fest? A haven for the transmittal of venereal disease? A day of the year when the drunken gangbang is the accepted activity? It matters none when Loretta employed little more than a five-second delay during her now-defunct Sunday afternoon chat emporium. Here’s to being a local celebrity - the logical stopping place for most. (SGP)
I don’t care how miserable this caller’s life seems to be, I’d rather spend a week in this man’s empty bed than one Saturday night out on the town with Loretta McNeary and her “sistah-girls.” Loretta’s talk show “Straight Talk” shares its name with a feature length early-90’s Dolly Parton movie about a sassy Southern Mama who also has a radio show called “Straight Talk.” Hmmm, I wonder if this is a coincidence. Probably about as likely as a Bruce Hornsby and The Range factory cassette not turning up in this Oprah-worshipping Oreo’s glove box. (JC)
7. Jazz Jermaine: Ru Paul’s Personal Assistant - A great example of a harmless phone call recorded for the sake of entertainment where no one gets hurt. Well maybe not, I guess it’s kind of sad that the Sardis’ hostess did not get a chance to meet Ru. She sounded pretty excited. I’m sure that she forgot all about it after another night of showing a bloated Henry Winkler the cheese tray. Speaking of the Fonz, I just watched his A&E Biography. When asked what it was like to live with Henry after he was fired on the set as director of the movie Turner and Hooch, his stepson replied, “that was brutal.” (JC)
Another call that the focus groups don’t find very funny, but I love it. Its brevity makes it the perfect in-between song fodder for that obscurity-heavy mixed tape you’re making for an uninterested party.
8. Barbara: A Realistic Portrait – Uses of the word “Blues” in this phone call: Barbara- 20 Scott- 0. Does the Swayze/Willis Band actually exist? Don’t ask me. Can we expect another Bruno release in near future? Not for me to say. Who’s sexier? Check out the 1988 docudrama Swayze Dancing, (which can be had on eBay for less than two dollars) and get back to me. (JC)
In a perfect world, this call would be regarded as professional comedy. A persistent, lonely, wharf-mouthed barfly goes to the mat with a near-dead gentrified-blues expert, and the ultimate match between sedated complacencies and repeated pop-cultural whirly birds ensues! (SGP)
9. Barbara’s Husband Clears the Air - My father took me to the movies to see Nothing in Common during one of our post-divorce, every-other-weekend father/son Tender Mercies-style outings. I think we were the only ones in the theatre. He took me to a Po’ Folks restaurant afterwards so we could talk about the movie and our “relationship.” I remember averting eye contact and barely picking at my popcorn shrimp basket before asking him if he would take me back to my mom’s house. I guess in retrospect this ham-handed excuse for parenting carried more weight than an evening on the mini-golf course, or a night at the Arcade, especially considering the astounding fact that I even remember the movie at all. Who’s to say, really? But either way you slice it this real-life image is far more frightening/depressing than the exaggerated description of this caller’s failed marriage. Evidence that these calls could have gone on all night can be found in Scott’s last statement: “Well, I appreciate it.” (JC)
Are you in utter disbelief at the victim’s stamina? My top audience response to these two calls so far: “This isn’t happening, it just isn’t.” (SGP)
10. “Attitudes” – A Bar w/ a Bunch Of Dumbasses Hanging Out – “Hey when’s Chopper gonna get here? If he don’t show up soon I’m gonna finish off that complimentary tray of Little Smokies over by the inflatable Spuds Mackenzie all by myself. You just watch me, bitch!!! Hey, anybody wanna play two-player on the sit-down version of Golden Tee with the stained track-ball? I’m buyin’!! Hell, Whitney Houston, Eagles, Elton John don’t make a goddamned bit of difference to me. It’s all good. We good people. Just get on down here and become one of us. NOW!!!! Hurry up Chopper, my moustache hurts!!!!!” (JC)
The same city that welcomes a bar named “Attitudes” also plays hosts to “The Cockeyed Camel,” “Just One More,” “Dad’s Place,” “Ace’s High,” “Castaway’s,” “Club Apocalypse,” “Kojack’s #1,” “Discretions,” and “Tequila Rock.” (SGP)
11. “Bedroom ETA” – A Jermaine Stewart Cover Band - The idea of subjecting a potentially busy working person to horrible songs sung in a horrible voice certainly gets my vote. Must I ask again, why are they still on the line? Walking punch lines must breeze by my window every minute. (SGP)
Although this caller is the only person I’ve ever heard make reference to it, apparently Quiet Storm is a legitimate genre of Modern Slow Jamz R&B, encompassing the likes of Boys II Men, R. Kelly, and Silk. Nice to know. Real nice, actually. This brings me to another music trend of the 1990’s: Based on the popularity of bands like the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, not to mention movies like Swingers and Swing Kids, there was a cultural revolution that swept up certain parts of America (especially L.A.) during the late 90’s. I’m of course referring to the Swing-Revival Movement, also known to some as The Zoot Suit Riot. Although initially supported by both young men and women alike (many of whom were making the very short leap from various camps like Third Wave Ska Rockabilly revival or Hardcore Punk), “The Swing Scene” became rapidly over-populated with desperate men (mostly in their early thirties). This shift threw the gender balance on the dance floor way off, and like the gentrification of the Hippie and Punk scenes decades before, this ultimately led to the dissolution of the entire “movement.” With the exception of the stray mac and cheese or fast food TV commercial, the movement vanished as quickly as it had arrived. For most of these Johnny-come-lately’s, there was a price to pay. For some it was steep: Life with a flaming-eight ball tattooed on the neck. Some got off easier, maybe just a big hat, extra-long pocket watch, or a baggy Zoot Suit. Undoubtedly, there were those unlucky souls who jumped in during the final months who only had the chance to wear these expensive items once or twice. I’m not trying to be a snob here, but to me it’s kind of sad. I mean for most of these guys this was their Last Hurrah. That’s why I’m glad there are still places like the Rum Boogie Café’, (the recipient of this call) where a man can strut in on a Saturday night wearing a pair of leopard-skin Creepers, sip on a brightly colored “Extreme-Martini,” and feel as cool as he looks. (JC)
12. Morris Day has Worked Up an Appetite - I’ve eaten at this restaurant dozens of times and I swear by the catfish fingers. (JC)
I am saddened by the fact that, by this point in the evening, I am of the delusional belief that a Bob Geldof reference is going to carry this entire release into the annals of rib-tickling history. (SGP)
13. A Really Big Day For Mom - Another fucked idea taking a spoon to the dusty corners of comedy HQ. This appears to remarkably float on concept alone. (SGP)
For the stringy-haired anorexic chain-smoking slut, we have a very large photo-realistic tat of just Knopfler’s face (not including the shades, cigarette, or requisite headband). Or for the tubby mini-van mama with the light purple XXL kitty-cat sweatshirt, we could give you the computer-generated furniture movers from the “Money for Nothing” video. It’s a free country. You bought the goddamned CD. YOU DECIDE!!!! (JC)
14. “I should hope so” - Apologies for the fish-in-a-barrel Jason Bonham reference. (JC)
Our celebrity impersonator envisions a humorless Jason Bonham, distraught with recent line-up turmoil within the ranks of the Page/Plant empire. Speaking of turmoil, some almost occurred in my drawers the other day when I pulled a late-period Blue Oyster Cult record called Club Ninja out of a dollar bin, but that’s a liner note anecdote for some other labor of love. (SGP)
15. Bleachy And The .99 Cent Big Bufords - Listen in as this unflinching manager repeatedly mistakes a bottomed-out Bleachy for a woman, which has an unfortunate influence my imagination. Now I can’t shake the vision of condiment stained Bleachy squeezed into some kind of sleazy halter-top and skirt hysterically screaming at his own reflection. Despite his parent’s threats, this could have been what prompted him to try to join the Army in the first place. (JC)
You’ll laugh, oh yes, you will. Precisely targeted at the “Jackass” and “The Tom Green Show” demographic (during further focus group studies), Bleachy is set to jiggle the jowls and have his rights sold on eBay. Hey, we know that you don’t want to work for your laughs! Delivered to your ears quick and easy!! (SGP)
16. Tim Butler, An Old Flatmate Of David J.’s - Good Gilbert Gottfried’s Ballsack!!! This has got to be the worst affectation since the last Ryan Adams record. Since their humor is largely insufferable, let’s make British people funny by presenting them as bickering, scone-sniffing river-rats that chase old disputes into their autumnal years. (SGP)
If the response to this call is strong enough look out for a follow-up cassette maxi-single release that includes calls to Mike Joyce and Vini Reilly. (JC)
17. Trish Calls Beastie From Soulcracker (Live On WFMU) - For those of you who haven’t gotten on with your day, Soulcracker are one of the two entries that didn’t win VH-1’s “Bands On The Run” contest/series earlier this year. Of the contestants, however, Soulcracker have both the stupidest name and most harmlessly thick front man. Just when you thunk it impossible to further dumb down the Fat Wreck Chords/Epitaph fan base, along comes the human product of such an experiment. Donning a “D.A.R.E. To Keep Your Kids Off Drugs” t-shirt – the cornerstone of circa-1995 thrift shop irony - “Beastie” led Soulcracker to defeat in front of sparse club audiences and plentiful VH-1 viewers. Beastie and show producer Dan Cutforth were invited onto WFMU’s “Best Show On WFMU” in late July 2001 for separate Q and A sessions and to take calls. Prank bulbs went off in heads clear across the country, and this call is the funniest out of six committed to both Beastie and Dan. Perhaps you’ll be able to hear the remaining five on Not Necessarily The Funniest Prank Call Release Ever
Vol. III. (SGP)
Along with a cell-phone call to Stuart Pankin’s manager. (JC)
18. Chauncy Gardner, Gallagher’s Personal Assistant - I don’t think that this call is funny. Talk to the other guy. (SGP)
I heard a rumor that Drew Barrymore was so fucked-up in rehab that it was actually Gallagher who helped her through her painful recovery process rather than David Crosby. She was apparently so brain damaged from years of cocaine abuse that she couldn’t tell them apart. (JC)
19. Just Farr A Laugh: The Yogurt Machine - I bet if Harry and Loretta McNeary got together their collective “soul” might rival that of Conrad Bain. (JC)
Is it somehow funnier that the caller got the title of the Jamie Farr autobiography wrong? I don’t really think enough folks know or care that Just Farr Fun: The Jamie Farr Story is being misrepresented as un-donated copies fester on remainder tables around the country. (SGP)
20. Change It To “Kenny” From Southpark, That’s Some Funny Shit - If the dudes from Tora Tora don’t hunt us down and kick our asses then I’m sure we’ll be getting a beating from the inks lingers at the tattoo studio at the other end of this call. If we survive that then we’re pretty much in the clear. Oh shit. I almost forgot. Trey and Matt. Trey and fucking Matt. Canada here I come. (JC)
Nailing a demographic upside it’s poorly coifed head is always a hoot, and there’s some-thing to be said for the unflinching nature of this victim. (SGP)
21. Bleachy Tries To Join The Army…….Again - I’m not gonna pretend like I know everything about Army protocol but I don’t think you’re supposed to put potential recruits on speakerphone so the Commanding officer can verbally abuse them. (JC)
He’s just trying to help out. I was standing in line at a local grocery store, cradling a giant stuffed toy shaped like a carrot, when I noticed that “Batboy” had shown his patriotism by attempting to enlist in the Marines. As a side note, these calls were made a long time ago, at a time when recruiters dorked around the office all Saturday afternoon poking fun at fat people. (SGP)
22. The Bewildering Funnies - Just what you need, another poke at The Family Circus - the Paula Poundstone of the comics page. Thank Curtis Armstrong’s Sock Drawer that talk radio pranks have that built in punch. (SGP)
Slippery Loretta McNeary squeezes her way out of a tight spot here, predictably, by suggesting that the caller do something constructive to improve his situation. In this case, it’s to create his very own Christian Family comic strip. Not a bad idea. She then earnestly asks for a return call to let her know what he’s titled it and when it will be appearing. Volume 2 anyone? Freak? Normal?
23. Man With A Confusing Array Of Things To Sell - I guess it’s safe to presume that those of you that find this call offensive are not fans of The Mentors or Armored Saint. (JC)
The victim’s pop-cultural illiteracy doesn’t hurt this one too much. The mere mention of Lawyers In Love, “Press Your Luck,” or “a Teddy Ruxpin doll that doesn’t talk so well” is bound to amuse someone. I wish that I was that someone. (SGP)
24. KFC Mashed Pototoes and Gravy-flavored Doritos - I’m a stickler when it comes to food jokes, Kip Addota’s “Life In The Slaw Lane” notwithstanding. (SGP)
A very funny phone call, probably one of my favorites on this collection. Can’t really think of anything else to add here ummm…let’s see….it’s also one of the only calls that doesn’t mention Dave Thomas. (JC)
25. Bleachy At T.G.I. Fridays - This call depressed me so much that I vowed that Bleachy would never spend another birthday alone as long as I live. Next year’s party is going to be great. We’re gonna do bumper boats and pizza. So far I’ve received commitments from Emmanuel Lewis, Nell Carter, Powers Boothe, Kenan Thompson, Karl Malden (as “Skag”), Garrett Morris, Kim Fields, Rich Hall, Billy Crystal, the guy that plays “Re-Run,” the guy that plays “Mr. Bookman” on “Good Times,” Shirley Hemphill, and Willie Ames (as “Bible Man”). (JC)
“Don’t tell my doctor” is funny eight times over. The idea of birthday celeb devouring glucose-rich menu items, alone, at a T.G.I. Friday’s on a slow Saturday afternoon, is not funny. It will be me one day. I will be solo commander of a formica vessel one Thanksgiving night, returning to the buffet even after I have filled my tummy, rummaging around in hopes that someone hid a noose in the fruit salad. I can feel it. (SGP)
26. Waking Up Alone On The Fourth Of July, Part II - Hey, can anyone out there confess to EVER laughing at “The P.J.’s” when you where supposed to? Did you watch the damned thing? (SGP)
I laughed at The PJ’s. I did not, however, laugh while viewing Best Defense. (JC)
27. Danny Aiello And Son Would Like To Come In For Some Eggs - The restaurant here is Tavern on the Green. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a brisk winter morning. I had just sent the beautiful young girl whom I’d spent the previous night in bed with out for coffee and croissants. I decided to make a couple prank phone calls. A somewhat similar experience occurred when I woke up this morning, but rather than a pretty lady lying next to me I found a semen-stained video copy of The First Wives Club. (JC)
Danny Aiello just has to have an obnoxious son. There are just things that have to be, and that is one of them. Danny and son paddle-boating in Central Park after stuffing eggs benedict in their sass-holes is something that has happened within the past few days. I believe that. That’s the power of our comic accuracy. No, wiz kid, Takin’ Out The Trash is not a real movie. (SGP)
28. Isaac Hayes Was Verbally Assaulted Today - Late this summer on a sunny Saturday afternoon I saw Isaac Hayes walking out of a large health food supermarket. He drives a brand new Lincoln. Coincidentally, he was dressed exactly as described in this phone call. (JC)
Paramount to this celebrity impersonation is the unfounded idea that Isaac Hayes has lost his mind. He will soon open a restaurant called Hot Buttered Soul (or some such play on his career) in our new mini-mall downtown, and I will attend the grand opening. I will complain about the service. I will complain that it is Mr. Hayes’ fault that I couldn’t get a date to the event. I will order fish and chips, proceed to dump the plate on my head, and loudly proclaiming my stature as the “Hot Buttered Asshole In Section C.” (SGP)
29. I Took Acid At Work Yesterday - Post-hallucinogen guilt takes a back seat to utter confusion, exposing the disorganization proliferating our county’s larger department stores. Not funny, huh? Like you would have ever had this idea. Complaints abound that the call should have ended with some truly fucked up fake hallucinations, but complaints also abound from this peanut gallery that it’s 5:20 PM in the afternoon and I’m three days late in finishing these goddamned liner notes. (SGP)
Spending my Friday night begging a manager to not fire me from a superstore where I’m not employed is my idea of a good time. Unfortunately it’s also the type of activity that prevents me from having a girlfriend. I could be wrong about that. So if there are any attractive girls out there who actually enjoy this kind of thing then please call me……soon. (JC)
30. Christopher Fucking Cross - Probably the only truly disrespectful and rude call of the whole bunch. I don’t feel too guilty though because after I screamed, “It’s Christopher fucking Cross!!!” into the phone the studio employee calmly replied “We get calls like this all the time, man.” I’m not sure what Christopher Cross’ actual speaking voice sounds like so I had to think fast. I went for sort of a bitchy Jim J. Bullock/angry fag kinda thing instead of the obvious slow-pokin’ teddy-bear approach. Probably not the most accurate angle but for the sake of comedy I think I made the right choice. Let’s get a few facts straight here too. Shall we? Christopher’s self-titled debut collected not three but five Grammies. For the record I prefer “You close for normal people at six o’clock” as the title of this track. (JC)
Just plain fucking terse, this one. Not only is Christopher Cross rumored to be one of the nicest people ever to experience a windfall of fame, he lives in Nashville, not Hollywood. The effeminate voice chosen for the celebrity is perfect, though. (SGP)
31. Howie Mandell’s Brother - Hey, guess what? This is the next to last call that I have to write liners for. Given Howie’s new Midnight Oil look, it’s a safe wager that the temporary cash cow of “Bobby’s World” has vacated his life, and now it’s time to get nasty. I was a huge “St.Elsewhere” fan and remember being flabbergasted when Howie exploded into a blow-fury of cusswords on his first (and only) HBO special. Time and public disinterest are the judge and jury, sentencing Howie to be the butt of unfunny prank calls and the host of “Comic Farm Aid.” (SGP)
Paul Rodriguez is another comedian who might have a pushy brother trying to horn in on his dwindling fame. I don’t know. Is there a local Home Depot-sized booze emporium in your town staffed by righteous ex-fraternity braus? Do you have a phone book? A telephone? Catching my drift here people? I know it sounds absolutely fucked but SWING OUT SISTER, SWING OUT!!!!!!! (JC)
32. Unsensible Shooz - Jim Belushi just scratched his ass during minute fourteen of “According To Jim,” and I’ll bet that he would start a band called Unsensible Shooz. –GP
Did you know that “unsensible” is not a word? I’ll have to remember this next time I run into a friend on their way to Hardee’s. Or Kokie’s for that matter.
33. Bleachy Is Back In Town, Look Out - At the end of a long day we go to sleep and have beautiful dreams. At the end of the rainbow there is a pot of gold. At the end of our lives we all go to heaven. Bleachy is back in town, and it is beautiful. Just like you. (JC)
A jubilant slice that sent the recipient into post-call hysterics. I know this because I was sitting in this unnamed bar as Bleachy prepped the bartender for what would surely be a watershed event. After hanging up the phone, the bartender called attention to the 30 or so patrons and announced “Bleachy’s arrival” with pure glee. (SGP)