…because the magazine that I originally wrote it for can’t take it. This is nothing more than a punch-up of some previously posted/written material. This theme would make a great column somewhere. Who wants it? I have a long future of targets.

Bad Automotive Ideas

Toyota Scion XB

Now, what rational person would want to wake up every morning to a giant circa-1995 cell phone sitting in their driveway? The car strikes me as easily disassembled by bare hand, thus, it must be a deathtrap, unable to withstand any degree of accident, jeez, if someone even looked at it the wrong way, fatalities would ensue. A weak man could just punch right through the dash. The Scion XB website boast that, “The xB is all about attitude. The question is, how much can you handle?” Good question. Attitude meaning, “I’m cocksure because my common sense seemingly called in sick the day I handed over real money for this aesthetic misfire?” If the whole world was laughing, you’d have an attitude as well.

The PT Cruiser

As widespread lapses in consumer judgment go, this stands as one of the more vexing. Co-worker justification of a PT Cruiser will highlight its combination of “old and new,” as if a Model-A/Minivan hybrid were a wise idea. This car is built on a Neon chassis, and there is a reason that used car lots are perpetually choked with Neons. Affords one the illusion that they are speeding away from a jolly olde bank robbery or mobster shoot ‘em up when in fact they are coasting away from an office potluck. Favored by several strains of mid-life crisis sufferers, along with younger nimrods of the alterna-grit variety, the PT Cruiser should be dealt with violently. Threaten them at intersections. Go ahead; bump one in the parking lot. Cave the door in a little. Superglue the locks. Clip the brake line. They deserve it.

The Pontiac Aztec

With this rolling abomination, it looks as though one could make a hard right and start borrowing into the side of mountain. Seemingly designed by throwing fourteen or so previously vetoed ideas at the wall, the Aztec is the future of yesterday, much in the same way that the set of Bladerunner now looks like a Joe’s Crab Shack.

The Chevrolet SS-R

Like the PT Cruiser, this sure-to-age-poorly vessel is modeled after an antique car that never existed. Funny how boardrooms full of people can look at a mock-up of this automotive “what’s-it?” and agree that, “This is the car that we should focus on next, this will take off.” If you remember the Subaru Brat, well, this is like a CMT Top 20 Videos version of the Brat, or what a member of Rascal Flats might find “badass,” and like that band, this car brings up the venerable question, “Is It Gay, Or Country?”

A Classic Automotive Misstep

The Mustang II

John Delorean was fired from Ford for designing this limping, hunched-over vermin of a car. Parking lots of singles-only apartment complexes were dotted with the sedan and hatchback versions, with their orange turn signals (a rarity and sure signal of flaccidity for a Mustang) and venereal disease-soaked upholsteries. Made famous in no movies whatsoever.