Failed Pilot

One of my only longtime loves, Unsolved Mysteries, both through prime time and syndicated rerun eras, airs everyday, as it has for the past 3 years, on Lifetime’s lunchtime 11A – 1p slot. Just-so-adorably-outdated, one can be jettisoned back to a more innocent time, of pre and/or nascent internet access, of exotic household items like Caller Id, etc. I pine for the time warp afforded me by Robert Stack’s distinctive (and defunct) voice asking, “Who is the elusive Unibomber?” or “Who is responsible for the heinous Oklahoma City bombing?” Below I’ve written a breakdown of good vs. bad in the Unsolved Mysteries portal to the past.

Good: UFO’s, Bigfoot, The Jersey Devil, Ball Lightning or the Brown Mountain Lights, most of the murder mysteries, missing persons, and ghosts.

Bad: Miracle “she-was-born-lifeless” babies, miracles, psychics, buried treasure, light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel nonsense, life-saving or mind reading pets, or most Theological mysteries.

Due to a whelming degree of total silence, I’ve exhumed the possibly read “Cable Report” from its heyday and demise in early 2005. Incredibly, I still have cable television. Predictably, I love it now more than ever. The idea for these entries in no way stemmed from The Jimmy Kimmel Show, in which a guy comes out and performs some sort of “what’s on cable tonight” bit. I’ve never seen it, and was clued to it long after I started writing my unread, unpopular bloggings on the subject.

I was as anticipatory as usual for the last night’s new Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. Sunday night HBO is in the proverbial pooper right now. Rome? HBO has a bad case of what I like to term “Shogun-itis.” But what’s disturbing about me and my wants, an action that might say something dubious about my ability to reason at a low human level, was my sporadic flipping from Curb Your Enthusiasm (great new episode, I must say) to HBO2, where an airing of Ghost Ship was getting underway. Why? Why did Ghost Ship have exclusive rights to my television after Enthusiasm concluded? What the fuck is wrong with me? To its credit, the killer cruise ship movie did have a striking set and a brilliantly idiotic flashback sequence fueled by MTV2/Fuse dumbdumb video jump-cut editing and music by what I think is Mudvayne. Those enthralled by unapologetic stupidity will find this scene worth the four minutes it steals.

In other cable news, I caught eleven minutes of the Jimmy “JJ” Walker and Dom DeLuise vehicle Going Bananas. For those in the dark (hopefully everyone reading this), this movie is about a talking, intelligent chimpanzee, a feat accomplished onscreen by using what is obviously a small girl in a monkey costume. Jimmy “JJ” Walker plays an undefined African national, and as such, looks as though someone vomited an “authentic” bead and earring kiosk all over his person. World Beat? More like World Beat Jimmy Walker’s Ass.

Oh, the opening scenes to I, Robot are gay enough to warrant a review in 100% Beef Magazine.

Stay true, and stay away from the bird flu.

One of my recurring characters on Tom Scharpling’s The Best Show On WFMU is the lovable Scag Winesack, retired police sergeant/chief, F.B.I., and current/former private investigator. Misguided, old, beyond grizzled, and the proud recipient of three triple bypass surgeries and countless back operations, Scag lives on a boat with his parrot. I hope to turn his voice into a humorous column for a lucky magazine - the character a shifting amalgam of every crime fiction, gritty police drama, and street hassle cliché I can come up with.

Listen to the latest Scag Winesack installment here (2:01:40 into the Oct. 4th show).