Failed Pilot

Because I almost wrote the book. As was noted some time ago, either here or at failedpilot.com (or both), Village Voice patriarch Chuck Eddy used the term “Afternoon Rock” while reviewing a Little River Band collection. I coined this term over ten years ago, starting using it in print nine years ago (in a nascent version of The Cimarron Weekend), have been making newbies “run the gauntlet” of my formidable collection of A.R. for years and years (at odd hours, under differing chemical circumstances, and to varying degrees of success), bandy the term about whenever I get the chance, and used it in communication with Eddy almost two years ago. It’s mine. I am the world’s foremost curator of Afternoon Rock. Later, I’ll explain what makes an Afternoon Rock song an Afternoon Rock song, as it’s about the song and nothing else.

Here’s a starter list. Steal all of these songs NOW – they are easily found with ANY file-sharing application. Fun Facts are included for virgins.

(no particular order of transcendence)

1. The Climax Blues Band – “I Love You” (1980)

2. Player “Baby, Come Back” (1978)

3. Firefall “You Are The Woman” (1978) Fun Fact: This 87-member band was a result of Flying Burrito Brothers fallout, and optimized the “Coloradoization of America.”

4. Ace “How Long” (1974) Fun Fact: Paul Carrack, who later went on to join the hit-making version of Squeeze, led Ace.

5. The Eagles “I Can’t Tell You Why” (1979) Fun Fact: Last true Eagles hit. Written and performed by new (at the time) bassist Timothy B. Schmit.

6. Starbuck “Moonlight Feels Right” (1975/76)

7. Ambrosia “How Much I Feel” (1978) Fun Fact: Album is titled “Life Beyond L.A.” Uh, not so much, guys.

8. Hall and Oates “Sara Smile” (1975)

9. The Little River Band “Lady” (1978) Fun Fact: Album has one of my favorite titles: “Sleeper Catcher”

10. Jay Ferguson “Thunder Island” (1978) Fun Fact: Jay was previously the lead singer for both Spirit and Jo Jo Gunne. You must hear this song. You must see this album cover.

I recently acquired my first boxed set. That’s no malarkey, I’ve never owned one, and my consumption of music has been dense at times, not to mention the music turnover that moves through my apartment (and past apartments). Never owned one. Last week, a fair amount of credit at a local record store put Rhino’s Children of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976 – 1996 in my permanent care. Why this one? Good question. Grazing the track listing first left me lukewarm, listening to the set straight through got things moving in many directions. Some of this I already owned. Some I would have never owned. The vexing thing about this set is the gray claim at encompassing a movement…the “Second Psychedelic Era.” Actually, many movements are touched on. College rock, 80’s American indie, British jangle pop, British pre-Madchester baggy pop, New Zealand Flying Nun pop, Australian garage pop, first/second/third wave power pop, garage revivalism, the Paisley Underground, and light shoegaze. There is much overlap with previous Rhino projects, specifically the D.I.Y. series, and an obvious amount of the inclusions are not psychedelic at all. An excuse to assemble a boxed set? Using the wild popularity of the first Nuggets boxes as fuel, I’d say that’s a good wager. I’m off on a negative foot, but I admittedly adore many of these songs, with some of the adoration dating back to high school, and enjoy having them collected in an easily consumable package, though for my purposes, it could have been 1.5 CD’s worth. Never personally had a split second to waste on the garage revival of the 80’s; hokey mediocre nonsense that was just as bad as its 85% of its 90’s successor (in movements). The Fleshtones, The Untamed Youth, and The Chesterfield Kings, for instance, were embarrassing retro action figure jokes, and there’s far too much of that garbage included here. Below is my personal 1.5 CD’s worth (with occasional notes). Please rip and burn my personal best.

1. Lyres “Help You Ann” (1983) – Blue-blooded retro goofs that weren’t grating on the nerves. Amazing guitar sound. Roots in one of the most overrated “sought after” or “influential” bands of all time: DMZ.
2. Bangles “The Real World” (1982) – Golden, pre-hit garage pop. So, so, so, so, catchy.
3. The Nashville Ramblers “The Trains” (1986) – I don’t remember why I chose this song. It must be good.
4. The Stems “She’s Fine” (1986) – Nothing’s coming to me.
5. Salvation Army “She Turns To Flowers” (1982) – Forced by the real Salvation Army to change names, and that apparently caused a change into a weaker band, The Three O’ Clock.
6. The Last “She Don’t Know Why I’m Here” (1977) – Messy, faster single version of the only reason to check out this band’s 1979 Bomp album, L.A. Explosion.
7. Posies “I May Hate You Sometimes” (1988) – One of the reasons that people go bonkers over this band.
8. Dream Syndicate “Tell Me When It’s Over” (1982) – Best song on a one of the only A to B great Paisley Underground LP’s (their Days of Wine and Roses). L.A.’s belated Television.
9. The La’s “There She Goes” (1988) – Beats me. A good song that I could go the remainder of my days without.
10. Posies “Apology” (1990) – See above.
11. Bevis Frond “Lights Are Changing” (1988) – Live, this was one of the limpest noodlers I’ve ever cringed through. On record, he can be worth it.
12. Church “The Unguarded Moment” (1981) – Best-known example of how solid they were early on. Nothing from 1977 – 1984 is as good as “they” say it is, but I say this is good. And it’s good. First three to four albums (1981 – 1984) are, oh, I really hate writing about music.
13. Flaming Groovies “I’ll Cry Alone” (1976) – Good one.
14. Chills “Pink Frost” (1984) – Good one.
15. Plimsouls “Hypnotized” (1980) – Good one.
16. Teenage Fan Club “God Knows It’s True” (1990) – Good one.
17. The Cynics “Baby, What’s Wrong?” (1989) – Good one.
18. Sun Dial “Plains Of Nazca” (1991) – Good one.
19. Screaming Trees “Transfiguration” (1987) – Good one. Check out this (yawn) band’s early albums.
20. The Dentists “Strawberry’s Are Growing In My Garden” (1985) – Good one.
21. The Prisoners “Far Away” (1983) – Good one.

My thumb is in a pie, and that pie is a comedy magazine that will go unnamed (until I’m actually in the thing). My editor is a respected name in humor writing, satire, what have you, and our back and forths have produced a very short trail of unusable writing. Such writing follows, in raw form, and I am in no way trying to be flip in regards to the Katrina tragedy (those who are not idiots will see this). To note: I am on to bigger and better ideas with this publication.

Sci-Fi Channel Fake Listings

Intro:

In the space of three or so years, The Sci-Fi Channel has rejuvenated (thus practically laying sole claim to) the once dormant Nature Strikes Back genre of horror film. Though made for basic cable, forcing it to shuck the adult language and random titties, the channel’s agenda of biological chaos can nonetheless be counted on for wild gore worthy of any R-rated theatrical release. At first easing into the void with one-dimensional concerns like “Python,” “Boa,” and “Crocodile,” the network has complicated matters with more recent critter-crawly splatter fests. Whether pitting former plots against one another (”Boa vs. Python”), mixing the old with the new (”Dinocroc”), tossing sense out the window (”Mansquito”), or tackling topical ecological issues (”Snakehead Terror”), the channel’s think tank of what appears to be 11-year-old fat kids has shown no sign of slowing. Let’s a take a look at three of the potboilers in the pipeline:

“Nutria Retribution” – Useless furballs get a deadly makeover in this bloody, 74-minute white-knuckler. Starring Bo Hopkins as the paraplegic small town sheriff that spends much of his onscreen time trying to convince 98.8% of the cast that droves of genetically-altered, semi-literate Nutrias the size of Chevy Chevettes are responsible for a string of unexplained murders and that an innocuous but dark-skinned terrorist organization has chosen his quaint community as an experimental beta ground. Also stars Mary Stuart Masterson, Brian Bosworth, and a special appearance by Pat Morita as “Freedom Eagle,” the town’s hilarious yet prescient eccentric.

“Common Carp Fiasco” - The once benevolent, vegetarian inhabitant of golf course ponds and apartment complex canal systems is secretly transformed into an instrument of mass slaughter by FEMA. In order to rid New Orleans of troublesome stragglers in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, a kill-serum is used to rapidly morph the gentle, boring creatures into a sinister plague with fins. Watch in awe as the uber-carp open their mouths wider than two inches, squirt cayenne pepper spray from their eyeballs, and read minds. Starring Tom Atkins as the blacklisted scientist that knew all along, introducing newcomer Michael Brown as the unscrupulous FEMA director, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the bedraggled sad sack that doesn’t save the day.

“Pterodactyl vs. Giant Abandoned Housecat” – Coolio returns in this sequel to the “whelming” thriller Pterodactyl. When a portly bar owner Creekwood Banks (Charles Durning) innocently devours a 45-pound omelet made from a Pterodactyl egg, hell on earth is unleashed in what is already hell on earth. The Pterodactyl’s incessant screeching and ill-defined flight shadows awaken Giant Abandoned Housecat, an orange tabby of gargantuan proportions due to a steady diet of gutter water saturated with doo doo and two-cycle engine oil. Coolio welds shotguns onto his wave-runner, but is it too little too late? Can an unassuming Buffalo Wild Wings assistant manager (played by countrypolitan party girl Gretchen Wilson, in her acting debut) give the violently hardcore rapper the extra umph his fight needs so bad?

“I Told Ya’ll Motherf**ers, You Gots To Get Outta The City!!!” – Terrifying, multi-layered, semi-biographical story of Mayor Ray Nagin’s (played by Robert Townsend) plight to save New Orleans, his secret life as a shape-shifting, time-traveling, kick-boxing, Gymkata-instructing Scanner, the conspiratorial idea that the NOLA police force may have been crooked, and accusations that the mayor is trying to reconstruct the city into a giant arena for the World Series of Dominoes.