Notes used on stage while performing as “Andrew Dice Clean: The World’s Only PG-Rated Andrew Dice Clay Impersonator.”
Performance time: Around 12 minutes.
Performance rating: Eh….5/10. There have been worse.
Notes:
(spelling altered to stress accent)
Andrew Dice Clean
Repeat who and what I am several times….
Finale: “The other day this young lady was givin’ me an over-the-jeans-handjob”
(handwritten: replace “young lady” with “my wife”)
(switch mic on and off) “Even the microphone don’t wanna hear my jokes….”
“I do youth group functions, corporate luncheons…..”
“I guess, you know, masturbating is the way to go, but I really didn’t start doin’ that ‘til I was 22, 23……oh”
(handwritten: end with “No…….really.”)
“Let’s say your havin’ intercourse, and your life partner gets pregnant, well, in about three monts you take her to the doctor where dey got dis machine that makes her stomach invisible, and you get to tell if you gots a boy or a girl….hey!!!
“Good to see everyone made it through KY2.”
Continuously ask people in audience to put out cigarettes….
Act offended and hurt at audience cursing and heckling….. “I spent a lot of time on this….” or “In case you haven’t noticed, snapperhead, there are women in attendence….”
(do Dice Clay impersonation of women)….but I love her, I bought her a flat screen TV for Christmas, a $900 dollar gift certificate to Macy’s…..
She’s, you know, vacuumin’ and sweepin’ around the house, so I walk up to her and say, HEY, why don’t you let me do that…..Ooooh!!!
“Some people like to talk during intercourse….I like to say a few tings myself: ‘Don’t mind me.” “I’ll me in the corner vomiting.”
Bad impersonations
Catch phrase: “Let’s Take It Down A Notch”
Celebrities that he’s met:
Joe Piscopo
Michael Rapaport
“I’m a promise keeper, are you a promise keeper?
Went on celebrity cruise. Met Alan Alda and Bob Newheart. “Good family men. Nice guys”
Has performed at AARP-sponsored cruises.
Da Vinci Code (“I don’t read much, but….”)
Handwritten: “I do rehab special days, birthday parties for the elderly…”
“The other day a female co-worker was signin’ this invoice, and I felt a rustling in my toolbelt, if you get my drift, and I had to remind myself, ‘Dice, you’re a promise keeper.’”
Handwritten: Pick out audience members (couples)…. “So….when was the first time, you know, you….called her on the telephone?”
“Is she real good at, real good at, you know….conversation?”