I will now attempt to woo you with live radio comedy. After several of these attempts over the past year, I feel as if, on average, around four of people actually follow the link, play the radio show, make it to the bit, and that two of those people laugh. Conversely, people hear and enjoy the bits in real time. I usually get several complimentary e-mails from total strangers in the days that follow the call(s). As for those that follow my orders and demands by way of this site, I’m we could have a gesticulating production in my living room, and Puppy Bowl II would not be the topic of discussion.

On Sunday, after batting around the high points of Puppy Bowl II through instant messages, Tom and I landed on the idea of the ref as a call-in character. A man annihilated by the fame. The wrong man for the job. We exchanged a few ideas, and I filled out the concept with notes (or a non-linear script of sorts) thirty minutes before the bit.

My cell phone was acting up, forcing a call back from a land line. This was worked into the bit with a painfully lukewarm joke.

My (MY) gradings:

Concept: 10
Execution: 6 - 7

LISTEN TO IT HERE.

The show was strong as a whole. Wurster’s call is a killer (it happens around the halfway point). Listen to the three hours while you clean or cook or stare at each other or what not. My bit starts at 2:32:35 (including flubbed bad connection intro).

Here are the notes:

CLIFF GIVENS

How could you say those things? Is that how it looks to you? Simple? Cheap? What do I know about Puppy Bowl? I was the ref. You saw me, right?

I’m so glad that it was a relaxing situation for you.

I need to set the record straight about Puppy Bowl, and if anyone’s qualified, it’s me.

You make it out to be some cakewalk, man. I’ve been on a downward spiral ever since we shot the show, and to add to that, after the continuous loop ran on Sunday, I got mobbed on the street yesterday.

I was wearing my ref’s uniform, a bomber-style jacket with “Eukanuba” across the back, I was carrying the Puppy Bowl sign, and a pet transporter with one of the puppies inside, but I don’t think that’s why the women walked up to me.

I see we have differing notions on “getting mobbed.”

I couldn’t handle it, man.

The smell was overwhelming. I don’t even really like animals. They really creep me out. I don’t like how they look at me. I’m really not used to even being around them.

They said I could just wear the uniform and stand in the corner, but I got to the shoot, and all of the sudden, I had to refill the water bowl, I had to place the toys, I mean I wasn’t operating the camera or anything like that, THANK GOD, but it was so intense, worst of all, I had to lift the dogs into the ring, I had to lift the cats into the ring….

(freak out and shiver at the thought of handling the animals)

They have dead eyes.

We had to shoot the Bissell Vacuum Cleaner Halftime Kitty Show four times. The kittens couldn’t get the finale right. One kitten fell asleep. We only landed two pieces of confetti on another kitten. It was a disaster.

(whisper) I haven’t slept in a week. I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK.

That “Puppying Around” joke? Not very funny.

The only thing I have to look forward to……..

I get seven dollars on every DVD copy.

It’s not going to repair the damage….