Failed Pilot

What a scoop!

Number One

Scrolling through my On Demand choices at midnight, or one in the morning, or nearby, I was unsurprisingly drawn to waste money on Dan Ackroyd: Unplugged on UFO’s. An earnest ambassador to the growing number of paranormal fanatics (I really could be one of these, one day), Ackroyd allows (or maybe WANTED) himself to be interviewed for the entirety of this film, which is your standard-issue UFO documentary accented with recent footage and a sweating, chain-smoking Dan Ackroyd. You, and you, and you, and you, and you….must see it.

Number Two

A publicist sent me the new Alice Donut album in the mail. I haven’t listened to it yet. The simple act, and existence of the album, are the reasons you’ve just read these three sentences.

Number Three

I watched Freedomland. On Demand. I demanded it. The part(s) are there, sort of. Richard Price: Novel and screenplay. Add in some good Wire actors. Now run away. Go read Klosterman’s last word on Snakes On A Plane (in Esquire) instead. Good stuff. Despite this (Freedomland) being the worst movie I’ve seen this year, the qualities that make it so are not worthy of attention.

REVIEWS!!

The Skills To Pay The Bills: The Story Of The Beastie Boys

By Alan Light

Perfect airplane fare that manages to present 80% of its subjects as dullards with very little insight, including the band. Not enough time spent on Paul’s Boutique or the fact that this cultural hobgoblin practically created both rap metal and the wigger plague. Not enough input from The Captain or Bob Mack, the only real brains behind this operation. Check Your Head and Ill Communication have aged well? Who are you????? Where am I??????

Queens Reigns Supreme: Fat Cat, 50 Cent, and the Rise of the Hip Hop Hustler

By Ethan Brown

Fantastic. Like a Hip Hip Hit Men. More crime than music, but so far stands as the best music book of my 2006. Ethan Brown grows more paranoid by the day.

Life and Def: Sex, Drugs, Money + God

By Russell Simmons (w/ Russell George)

Russell Simmons couldn’t be any more unlikeable. This book doesn’t help. Racial ambulance chaser George does nothing to endear Simmons to even the dumbest reader. His (Simmons) contrbutions are immeasurable. I’m on board with that, but Phat Farm? Def Poetry Jam? God? I love the cover photo, taken in 2001, of Simmons networking on his cell and portable labelmaker Motorola T-900 PDA. That’ll age wonderfully. Care to read about his wind tunnel plastic surgery, child-exploiting wife? There’s no BabyPhat on that knifed-up mug! For reasons beyond reason, I felt the need to purchase this book from a Barnes and Noble in Flagstaff, AZ.

Hip Hop books that I would be all over like a fat European on Alex Chilton: 3rd Base, Rick Rubin, Too $hort, Hawd Gangstah Rappuh Emcees Wid Ghats, Schoolly D, Biz Markie…..