Failed Pilot

EARLES ROAD TEST!!!

Subject:

The 1995 Ford F-700 (in the form of a U-Haul rental)

This is a 1995 Ford F-700:

http://www.automart.com/vehicledetail/adid-26946312/1995/ford/f-700/new-waterford/oh

I recently sat shotgun as a 1995 Ford F-700 was ROAD TESTED from Washington DC all the way to Memphis, TN. This is my report.

Handling: Five-degree turns were good for the psychedelic hallucination that the entire vehicle was going to fall over. Now, this may have had something to do with the 10,000+ records, Fiat Spider, full 230-gallon fish tank, 18 encyclopedia sets, 671 car batteries, and half-conscious former member of Monsterland that constituted our cargo. Ten-degree turns laid a total mind fuck on our asses.

Ergonomics: A wise move towards the “less to break or short out” angle, yet all interior lighting did manage to short out, including the nighttime speedometer illumination. A fuse at the nearest store? Not on our dime. Aftermarket two speaker AM/FM stereo (no cassette or CD) of indeterminate brand provided decent vehicle for our satellite radio unit. Air conditioning worked, as was stated on side of truck.

Performance: Due either to a governor or the extreme cargo weight, truck rarely broke 60 MPH, and irritated other drivers in the process of attaining this feeble goal. Truck backfired when allowed to coast.

Exterior: A refreshing lack of dents or dings. Exterior paint job included several examples of the U-Haul logo, as well as the strange term “Mom’s Attic” across the area above the cab. “Mom’s Attic” soon became a well-worn, sexually charged insult between driver and passenger.

Save some surfing time with this handy list of worthy YouTube selections. Some are from my “underground” or public access VHS hording days (mid-90’s to early-00’s). YouTube has thankfully put this once sacred past time at anyone’s fingertips.

(please forgive the disappearance of my toolbar, hence the lack of hyperlinking…thanks Safari)

Hilarious cross-item conservatism and brutal animation: Two of my favorite modern country videos.

Montgomery Gentry - “You Do Your Thing”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsTmcnWKfaQ&search=Montgomery%20Gentry

Lonestar - “Mr. Mom”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQMN_cJgqKU&search=Mr.%20Mom

The world may not need another Clearly-Fucked-Out-Of-Their-Minds rock performance, but here’s Afternoon Rock heroes Dr. Hook with what may be the best:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGsl0IXPZGI&search=Dr.%20Hook

I don’t know. Acid? PCP? Coke? Can’t simply be booze……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHhqWTbbJOI&search=Dr.%20Hook

Classic David Lee Roth tyrade (if you haven’t already seen it):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKTc9VaNIiI&search=David%20Lee%20Roth

Classic guy-giving-directions:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMbeg9rUnSM&search=Larry%20Williams

Chris Rea’s non-hit, “Tennis” (his hit was the Afternoon Rock monster, “Fool If You Think It’s Over”)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjRksu_wHho&search=Chris%20rea

….on the blog of a dear friend.

skag.cracked.com