Tipped off by Tom Scharpling via IM, I checked out Jim Cramer’s MAD MONEY (airs weeknights at 8c on CNBC). Where have I been?!?!?!? I just might invest in (John) Deere!!! Cramer always hosts in ALL-CAPS, throws objects around the studio, and drinks simultaneously from an innocuous fast food soft drink cup, a coffee cup, and a bottle of water. He has a control panel with giant fist buttons, and can initiate any number of sound (a baby crying, his voice yelling “BUY!! BUY!! BUY!!, a man falling from a window) and visual (animated charging bulls and attacking bears) effects. He looks like a fitter but older Paul Giamatti, and repeatedly claims to be 61-years-old (a ticker always appears that claims, “Cramer doesn’t look at day over 51!!!”). Tomorrow, I will buy his book. It would be nice to attain one of the copies that he throws all over the set, though. If this guy is news to you, please check out this show. You’ll thank me.
“INVEST IN UPS!!!!!!” (throws chair across room)
Not that I would come within four hundred feet of Marie Antoinette, but after seeing the preview (the movie opened this past Friday, and I love to review movies based on previews…it seems like a fair way to go out), the jury returned with its verdict on Sofia Coppola.
The Virgin Suicides was interesting, though simply “there.” Lost In Translation progressively sours for me as the days go on. It was a gutless mood piece, an abuse of subtlety, and I don’t like it when films give subtlety a bad name. It didn’t have the balls to go in any direction; to go the distance, and by that, I do not mean to suggest that an old man needed to break the physical barrier with a young girl. I mean to suggest that the movie could have benefited from actually BEING SOMETHING other than a “cool” soundtrack to a LOOK HOW DIFFERENT JAPAN IS!!! exercise.
This Slate piece wants to give her the business. You can feel it. Too bad there’s a lot of point/counterpoint, and the unfortunate, no, let me put that another way, the FUCKING LAUGHABLE claim that Sofia Coppola has “impeccable taste in music.” Her soundtracks are amateur hours; easy tickets to Progressive Ears 101. The long term impact of every boring dickhead on the planet becoming an INSTANT JESUS AND MARY CHAIN/MY BLOODY VALENTINE FAN JUST - ADD THIS OST is something that I don’t think about all that often, but it is something that appears to have happened back in the oh four. What will the new one do? Let’s take a look:
“Natural’s Not In It”
Written by Dave Allen, Hugo Burnham, Andy Gill & Jon King
Performed by Gang of Four
Courtesy of Warner Music Group & EMI Records
Wow, ok, look who’s thumb is on the pulse of nothing.
“The Melody Of A Fallen Tree”
Written by Jason McNeely and Dan Matz
Performed by Windsor for the Derby
Courtesy of Secretly Canadian & Zync Music Inc.
Just when I was starting to miss the post-good movement.
“Jynweythek Ylow”
Written by Richard D. James
Performed by Aphex Twin
Courtesy of Warner Music Group, Warp Records & Sire Records
Ponytailronica!
“1st Menuet Pour Les Guirries et les Amazones, 2nd Menuet”
Written by Jean-Philippe Rameau
Conducted by William Christie
Performed by Les Arts Florissants
Courtesy of Harmonia Mundi France (P) 1991
Eh, who gives a fuck?
“Il Secondo Giorno Instrumental”
Written by Jean-Benoît Dunckel & Nicolas Godin
Performed by Air
Courtesy of Aircheology
Certainly I am not the only one to make a Moulin Rouge joke, right?
“I Want Candy (Kevin Shields Remix)”
Written by Bob Feldman, Jerry Goldstein, Richard Gottehrer & Bert Berns
Performed by Bow Wow Wow & Kevin Shields
Courtesy of RCA Records & Sony BMG Music Entertainment
Nice, bring that bloated nut out from behind the couch….again.
“Hong Kong Garden”
Written by Susan Ballion, Steven John Bailey, John Gareth McKay & Kenneth Morris
Performed by Siouxsie and the Banshees
Courtesy of Polydor Ltd. (UK) & Universal Music Enterprises
Sorry, they’ve always sucked.
“Aphrodisiac”
Written by Matthew Ashman, Dave Barbarossa, Leigh Gorman, Annabella Lwin & Malcolm McLaren
Performed by Bow Wow Wow
Courtesy of RCA Records & Sony BMG Music Entertainment
NOT TOO DEEP. DON’T GO TOO DEEP!!!!
“Fools Rush In (Kevin Shields Remix)”
Written by Johnny Mercer & Rube Bloom
Performed by Bow Wow Wow & Kevin Shields
Courtesy of EMI Records, Film & Television
Kevin Shields needs to remix his career.
“Plainsong”
Written by Robert Smith, Simon Gallup, Boris Williams, Roger O’Donnell & Laurence Tolhurst
Performed by The Cure
Courtesy of Fiction Records Limited, Polydor Ltd. UK, Universal Music Enterprises, Elektra Entertainment Group & Warner Music Group Film & TV Licensing
Ah, yes, Disintegration. Introducing every charlatan’s new favorite “oldie.”
“Ceremony”
Written by Ian Curtis, Peter Hook, Peter Hook & Stephen Morris
Performed by New Order
Courtesy of Warner Music Group & London-Sire Records Ltd.
STOP HER!!!
“Tommib Help Buss”
Written by Tom Jenkinson
Performed by Squarepusher
Courtesy of Warp Records
Squarepusher? Did I read that right? SQUAREPUSHER??? Call the cops!!!!
“Ou Boivent Les Loups”
Written & Performed by Phoenix
Oh yeah, according to Spin Magazine, Hall and Oates are the new Velvet Underground. Here’s to your two week-old taste in music.
“Kings of the Wild Frontier”
Written by Marco Pirroni & Adam Ant
Performed by Adam Ant & The Ants
Courtesy of Epic Records & Sony BMG Music Entertainment (UK), LTD.
IMPECCABLE!!!
“Avril 14th”
Written by Richard D. James
Performed by Aphex Twin
Courtesy of Warner Music Group, Warp Records & Sire Records
I just went to an art auction in which two of DJ Spooky’s pieces found new homes. They were giant UPC symbols that had been “subverted” with anti-consumerism messages. Is this not what 13-year-old punk rock kids do?
“What Ever Happened?”
Written by Julian Casablancas
Performed by The Strokes
Courtesy of RCA Records & Sony BMG Music Entertainment
Probably fits perfectly.
“Tristes apprêts, pâles flambeaux”
(from the Tragédie lyrique “Castor & Pollux”)
Written by Jean-Philippe Rameau
Performed by Agnès Mellon and Les Arts Florissants
Conducted by William Christie
Courtesy of Harmonia Mundi S.A. (P) 1993
French Pop. Ok, is a moog track next? Some Krautrock?
“Opus 36″
“All Cats are Grey”
Written by Robert Smith, Simon Gallup & Laurence Tolhurst
Performed by The Cure
Courtesy of Fiction Records Limited, Polydor Ltd. UK, Universal Music Enterprises, Elektra Entertainment Group & Warner Music Group Film & TV Licensing
Not enough clueless scenester shits are into The Cure. There needs to be more.