Failed Pilot

“Croning” could be the term used to describe the side-’o'-the-mouth singing started by Eddie Vedder and subsequently blanketing “modern” rock for the next who-knows-how-long. I think differently.

What exactly did Joe Cocker create? That gratuitous gusto applied to white guys only slightly thinking they’re black?

I amuse myself to no end walking around the house (alone) singing/screaming/bellowing/over-exaggerating such songs as….

Blood, Sweat, and Tears - “Spinning Wheel” and “You Make Me So Very Happy”

The Hollies “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”

Bachman-Turner Overdrive “Let It Ride”

Tony Joe White “Polk Salad Annie”

I also leave silly (and very loud) versions of these songs on the voicemail of close, male, adult friends.

Ninjas.

Your aesthetic mishaps are my valuable time-savers!! Your harsh lack of originality trims the fat!! Want me to write you off as irrelevant? Do one or more of the following things:

-Name your band something really stupid. Vietnam, Brian Jonestown Massacre, Bloc Party, IMA ROBOT, Genghis Tron, any nod to 80’s street or Hip Hop culture used to name a rock band.

-Use robot imagery, sing about robots, use the word “robot” in a name or title.

-Use pirate imagery, lyrics, or state out loud that you find pirates amusing.

-Use unicorn imagery or lyrics.

-Be a “confrontational” live act.

-Claim to make hardcore in the year 2006.

-Have 4 - 5 members and make directionless, improv noise that could have been created by one person.

-Slumming.

-Obvious uptight dickheadedness + San Francisco, Portland, Olympia WA origins.

-Wear this type of t-shirt in publicity photos (not the Black Flag one, though that’s laughable as well). What is UP with this t-shirt trend?!?!?!? Pussies.

-Be a fake redneck.

-Make underground Hip Hop.