Which my colleague David Dunlap Jr. tells me is a practice of most reality programs, but I was devastated to see the more “colorful” (ridiculous and insane) contestants booted from the show within the first ten minutes. That ten minutes, I must conclude, was a stretch of TV unlike anything I’ve seen as of late. For someone currently immersed in all aspects of Novelty Hip-Hop, my brain almost melted from my ears. Wow. Did anyone out there see this?
As for the rest of the show, it lapsed into your expected quarrels (that are obviously fed by producers/writers) and two or three of the male rappers are practically interchangeable. The punishment of the giant N-Word medallion albatross was briefly entertaining during the miniature golf scenes, as was the imposing goofball that claims to be “constantly drunk.” Nonetheless, I will most likely watch every episode. I have to.
David Geffen: Start yelling.
Don Simpson: Hang around Jerry Bruckheimer.
Bill Drummond: Be the only true genius. Anywhere. With anything.
Ice Cube: Come home from tour, do your mom’s dishes, take a break to call your lawyer.
Lorne Michaels: Feign quiting (x 1,000).
Bobby Gillespie: Do so many drugs that they have a reverse impact on the aging process.
James Woods: Don’t turn down The Boost.
Wendy and Lisa: Go solo.
Bab Zany: Sell your window unit air-conditioner and bed spread on eBay.
Wonder Showzen: DO THE UNTHINKABLE!!! SUBVERT THE CHILDREN’S SHOW FORMAT!!!!
Big Daddy Kane: Make T-Shirts with the catchphrase “Come Over Here And Sit On My Big Daddy Kane!!”
The Meerkat Population: Star in a reality TV show.
Unknown: Come up with the concept for The Puppy Bowl.
Robert DeNiro: Pull the George Clooney, but star in 14 bad movies per year so that you can make one better-than-average one.
Miranda July: Get writing work from Harper’s on the strength of an obscenely uninspired indie movie.
Any comedian between the ages of 20 and 40: Discover indie rock.
Me: Compose underwhelming lists at two in the morning.
“Two small-timers win a fixed horse race, buy an antique piano and run from gangsters.”
Not my words, but the words of the brilliant man or woman that writes the Cable TV program/movie descriptions. But that discussion is for another day.
Some dialogue:
Dennis Powell (Howie Mandel): “My dream is to open a restaurant.”
Leading Lady (Tawny Moyer): ”Really, that’s great!”
Dennis: “What’s your favorite food?”
Leading Lady: “Indian.”
Dennis: “Like, Buffalo?”