Failed Pilot

A Fall song on a Nissan commercial. The Buzzcocks peddling AARP. The Pogues and Cadillac.

Please, who really gives a shit? Calm it down. At least be happy for the artist. “Good” does not equal “starving.” When this happens, record nerds act as if they were cheated on by a once-faithful lover. Please find a more interesting avenue for your arm-waving tantrums. What will put this crutch to bed? The Dead C pushing Huggies?

To: <letters@philadelphiaweekly.com>
Subject: Andrew Earles is a moron

Iced Earth is a laughing-stock within the metal
community? What drugs have you been abusing?

6.

Listen up. The Departed is two shakes above Narc. My previously posted synopsis:

After reading a review of Albert Hammond Jr.’s solo album (on Pitchfork) which failed to mention his father, I felt a need to soften my fit-pitching a tad. I’ve never seen ‘WuJianDao’. It’s not a prerequisite to enjoying, suffering through, or critiqing The Departed. Scorsese did not make a “bad” movie by any stretch, and it’s put together like an engine. But if you think that it eschews standard action/crime movie nonsense for some higher art, you need to watch more movies. And as David Dunlap Jr. (who I saw the film with) asked, “Do Irish gangs even exist anymore?” 

If The Departed proves one thing, it’s that Martin Scorsese has really, really, really, really, bad taste in music. There are three songs in the movie. 

“Gimme Shelter”
by The Rolling Stones 

“I’m Shipping Up To Boston”
Performed by Dropkick Murphys 

“Comfortably Numb”
Performed by Van Morrison & The Band 

But The Departed proves some other things. 

Searching hard for a better than average cop movie? Don’t have a classic rock station in your town? Don’t know any quasi-racist OI ass-bag locker room rapists from which to request a mixed CD? Are other crime films too realistic for you? The Departed may be your movie. 

Everything you’ve read about this movie, which I’m assuming falls under the category of “praise,” is overblown. The Departed is not identifiable as a Scorsese movie (aside from the shitty classic rock), it is identifiable as a merely watch-able crime flick. Nicholson’s character is hard to watch, and even harder to believe. Do kingpins of his power personally attend drug deals? Can he at least dial it down a notch or two? There are better villains in TV crime. Much better. This is not a complex film, as critics have claimed. Nor is it a fast mover. The two and a half (or more) hours do not feel like 90 minutes. Around the two hour mark, you start to feel the minutes grating against your previous expectations of this movie. Maybe The Wire has spoiled me, because that particular example of writing and directing makes The Departed feel like a straight-to-DVD Michael Rooker vehicle. 

And the last scene? Please.

This was, hands down, the most uneventful Oscar ceremony of recent memory, and as such, it sucked the funny right out of me.  

5.

Hollyweird Strikes Back!!

Like Dave Dunlap Jr., I am astonished at the mention of Red Sonja.

Paula, Jack Nicholson is smiling and laughing because he’s a cartoon character in a live action Better Than Average Cop movie. Oh, and he’s really high on drugs.

Chris Connelly talks again and a fork goes into my right eyeball.

Just switched back from BET Jazz’s Reggaeton Rush Hour to BET Jazz’s Adult Urban Dentist Office Waiting Room Intercom Speaker showcase…..I’m completely lost!!!

Where would the ceremony be without another confusing RACE/RELIGION/WAR montage?

…and speaking of….

Stars of this year’s death montage: Bruno Kirby, Darrin McGavin, Joe Barbara, Gordon Parks, Peter Boyle, Jack Palance, Jack Warden, and Robert Altman.

To jump back an hour or so, readers with hearts will agree that the comeback of 2006 was Jackie Earl Haley. That guy fell through the bottom.

He talked again.

I don’t make a habit of letting celebrities raise my ire, but the sound of Reese Witherspoon’s voice, the look on her fake mug, Jumpin’ Jiminy Bald “Alternative” Comedians…..she must be the overbearing, order-barking cunt played for every role. There’s no way around it.