Failed Pilot

Another music writer recently expressed a fear that he might be becoming “that guy that we used to hate.” Specifically, it’s the music writer that can only pull passion, or maybe just general interest, out of old music. We used to make fun of “that guy.” We convinced ourselves that no matter what the future year might be, it would yield amazing new sounds for us to go nutz over.

“l’ll never end up like that. What an old, jaded asshole.”

Well, guess what happened?

BUT THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING TO THIS PHONED-IN POST!!!!

These albums came out this year. They did it for me. AND….I’m leaving some out (not intentionally). AND….we’ve got 3.5 months to go.

Thurston Moore Trees Outside the Academy (Ecstatic Peace) - I can’t review this because I’ve already done so for Vice and The Onion (look for it next week). Great album.

Shocking Pinks s/t (DFA) - Review forthcoming in October issue of Spin. That and, I don’t feel like it.

Liars s/t (Mute) - It’s no “lie” that this is a fine album!!

Pelican City of Echoes (Hydrahead) - Breaks absolutely no new ground, but the damn thing is catchy!! Well, catchy for something that gives off very little emotion.

Jesu Conqueror (Hydrahead) - J.K.B lookin’ healthy for his age!! Granted, he did form Napalm Death at age 4.

Pinback I’m a Humorless Dick (Touch and Go) - First three songs? Unbelievably catchy. I’d like to attribute them to the guy from Three Mile Pilot.

Shellac (the new one) (Touch and Go) - Dunno the title. You know the Earles drill re: looking things up! SOMETIMES I DON’T FEEL IT!!! I’ve only heard a collective four minutes of this album. Clearly I’m qualified!! I felt some rocking within the rigid confines of a Shellac record, where you get what’s expected. It shines with amazing cover art and packaging that exceeds the combined cost of every rainbow bumper-stickered Ford Ranger in the parking lot of a Lisa Lampanelli show. HeyOhhhh!!!!

RELAPSE TRIPLE-SHOT COMBO #5: Brand new albums by Coliseum, Baroness, and High on Fire - Coliseum could probably kick my ass. In the street…not with their music. I like the idea of Baroness. I like that Savannah, GA is on the map. Oh, if I just felt the same about this guy’s vocals….. High on Fire? The only band with a name this bad that I’ve listened to repeatedly….. 

I don’t remember my first mentioned ABC Family’s Slacker Cats. I could go back through my blog and read the exact post. Because I control the weather here at failedpilot.com, the decision has against any research (at all). I do remember the tone. I didn’t find it especially funny. I found it weird and crude for an ABC Family program with Walmart spots. My first impression of the jokes? Early South Park (pre-good); maybe Family Guy’s pop-culture-references-as-a-crutch. Good news! Slacker Cats has changed for the better, or I’ve lost more of my mind. Your choice. I must reiterate: Cats are the thinking-person’s pet. Please allow five minutes for my trademark critical train wreck:

“Buckley” (voiced by Harland Williams) - The overweight cat. The cat with a heart. Gets along with owner (a single white female). One of two main characters. The flawed hero. Wears a fanny-pack that became a bad punch line. Sleeps under a specially-made “Best Cat in the World” blanket. The still-unfortunate slang “Slacker” does not apply to Buckley.

“Eddie” (voiced by the Ebony/Redbook-approved Sinbad) - The bad cat responsible for the schemes that make up each plot, as well as most of the “adult” humor.

“Dooper” (voiced by Emo Phillips) - Homeless, possibly drug-addicted cat. Lives in a fridge box. Other than my affection for all things CAT, the V.O. is the only reason this post is being written. That and the fact that I’m obviously out of material (saving the good stuff for an upcoming live performance - I spread it thin). Ten years ago, I made a career-killing joke about Emo Phillips. My career…his died in some other fashion.

“Tabitha” (voiced by one of the Desperate Housewives) - Not a Tabby. Fills the batty, air-headed, “all women are crazy” stereotype. Most of the show’s pranks end with her as the butt.

“Mrs. Boots” (voiced by the hilarious Niecy Nash, a performer rocking the previously unknown void created by the need for a poor-man’s Wanda Sykes) - Fills the all-hefty-Black-ladies-are-sassy-and-act-like-underpaid-student-loan-customer-service-employees stereotype.

Why am I doing this? Why was it allowed to go this far? Did I just write all of this? Lisa Lampanelli is enjoying her first appearance on my TV (I’ve yet to endure the female Don Rickles, the white Carlos Mencia), I have a couple of deadlines burning a hole through my brain, and I’m absolutely beat ragged…..

Thank me now, or thank me later, but I live in these zones:

Olive-Free Zone

Tomato-Free Zone

Dog-Free Zone (this one has wiggle room, but do not bring a dog into my house)

Mr. Bungle-Free Zone

Yoko Ono-Free Zone

Mushroom-Free Zone (come on, people, the kind on the menu)

Squash-Free Zone

Kevin Smith-Free Zone

William S. Burroughs-Free Zone