A associate e-mailed me two files that together make up the last ever Wire episode. I did not go through the process of decoding them; it did not seem as simple or as safe as the sender claimed. And I just can’t watch a distorted, chopped up version of the farewell, especially a farewell from the greatest television show of all time. As my current workload threatens to rip my brain to pieces (most likely contributing to my freakout over that magazine article), I actually couldn’t find the time to fool with cheating on The Wire’s natural progression. That should seem funny and hypocritical, considering that I used to wait until one in the morning each Monday to On-Demand next week’s episode. As some readers know, I was so mad at the new season that I unleashed some information (that everyone is now coming to grips with) that I shouldn’t have. So, a few hours before I (and most everyone else) absorb the show’s conclusion, I offer some predictions. Each FailedPilot reader is required by law to mail me $1,000 for every correct guess.

1. McNulty dies.

2. Bunk dies.

3. Justin Townes Earle makes an appearance at an N.A. meeting to apologize for his music and his father’s hair. Bubbles assassinates him.

4. A No Country for Old Men/Wild Bunch-style everyone-dies shootout occurs amongst the co-op or Marlo’s crew.

5. Snoop returns from the dead to exhume the Lilith Fair festival.

6. It’s going to be really, really, really depressing. I mean, vomit-inducing, suffocating negativity. It will resemble being trapped in a room with the last hour of The Day After on a continuous loop on multiple televisions.

Please remit payment to Andrew Earles. My address is in the bio section.