Failed Pilot

How I spent National Earles and Jensen Day. That was May 6th. That was also the day that our record was released.  

7:00 to 7:30 - Woke up, or as Watt would put it, “popped” to my cell phone’s alarm. Mom’s* couch. Had a cup of weak coffee (my mother drinks “half-caff”) and a bowl of (frosted) shredded wheat.

7:30 to 10:00 - Bought a real cup of coffee. Dealt with pharmacy and bank. Spent an hour returning e-mails and chipping away at work/writing. Marveled at, and decided to use, this YouTube clip in a promotional stunt.

10:00 to 11:00 - Got a haircut. Hairdresser is a friend of many years. Discussed: My record, family issues, a conversational interloper (upon departure, behind her back), our respective doctors, money, relationships.  

11:00 to 12:30 - Returned to my apartment. Fed cats + fish. Work/Writing. Made/received several phone calls.

12:30 to 1:15 -  Retrieved mail from PO Box, mailed several packages, picked up Indian food to go.

1:15 to 3:30 - Work/Writing

3:30 to 5:00 - Dropped off belated birthday gift for Dave Dunlap’s two-year-old son (a bucket of beginner’s Lego’s, or ‘Duplos’). Stopped by Goner Records to purchase steadily growing bag of hold items and to make some brief notations (physical layout) re: Saturday afternoon release gala. Picked up Mom from work and drove her home.

5:00 to 9:00 - Began journey back to Midtown Memphis. Stopped at big box music retailer and “pulled a Tav Falco.”** There were three copies of Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!) in the comedy section. There were zero copies in the used bin. A female friend invited me to a birthday pool party on Saturday afternoon. I uninvited myself not by using the real excuse (record release extranvaganza…5:30 PM, 5/10), but through a series of return texts that repeatedly referenced “accidental boners” and various pool mishaps by way of bodily functions. Conducted long(ish) interview (6:15 - 7:30) for book. Called a local chain store (Midtown location) to ask about the availability of my release. Did not disguise voice or inject any “prank” elements into call. After being put on hold for seven minutes and talking to two employees, I was informed that they had three copies in stock. Ate leftover Indian food. Obtained a rent receipt from my landlord.

9:00 to til - Returned to Mom’s. Finished some tasks heavy lifting around the joint. Worked/Wrote (including this post) until bedtime. Turned down a couple of social invitations. Did not party. Looked for mentions of my album on the Internet. Decided to do something relaxing or recreational tomorrow (today) if time/tasks allow.

Music listened to: Naked Raygun, Desmond Dekker, Dark Angel, Solomon Grundy, Torche, The Posies and possibly others that fall beyond easy recollection….. 

* Last week, my mother suffered a fall in the middle of the night. Diagnosis? A couple of cracked ribs + very painful internal bruising. Forced to breathe lightly due to the pain, some fluid started to develop on the lungs, which led to a manageable but briefly troubling case of “walking” pneumonia. Lots of x-rays, lots of waiting rooms, etc. Her health is improving, so this is my last night on her couch (I could sleep in the guest bedroom, but the high-speed cable will not reach…no TV, etc).

** As I was working the counter one Sunday afternoon at Shangri-La Records (mid-to-late-90’s), Tav Falco entered with his girlfriend and began to thoroughly examine the Tav Falco and Panther Burns sections (vinyl AND cd). This went on for about ten minutes before he approached the counter and asked, “Do you have any Tav Falco and Panther Burns?”

Indie stores and big box retailers are showing the first signs of eager fans braving the elements, hoping to get their nasty mits on Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!!). Check out the great deals on camping gear at your local Target!! Thank me later for the tip!! Comfort is a must as you wait out the hours, playing UNO with strangers. Some of those big box retailers stay open until one or two in the morning on Tuesdays, which throws this whole thing way out of wack!! Let it be known that Earles and Jensen do not advocate violence in check out lines. Please do not dispatch a fellow customer just so you can get an extra copy of our release. We have enough problems. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE LIMIT PER CUSTOMER IS 981 COPIES!!

Like I said….MAY 6TH (TOMORROW!!!) HAS BEEN DECLARED NATIONAL EARLES AND JENSEN DAY!!

GO HERE OR READ THE LATEST ANNOUNCEMENT!!

SHAKE IT WITH BLEACHY!!!

PERIPHERAL ITEMS: 

1. Rent, buy, or Netflix (my verb usage is going to age poorly) the Tad documentary, Busted Circuits & Ringing Ears. Maybe it was coinciding (though disparate) personal circumstances, maybe it was my dismissal of this band back in the day (into lots of pummel like Tad, just never Tad), maybe it’s my current habit of only listening to bands with overweight front men, but this consumate underdog story was, oh I don’t know, QUITE MOVING. Give me this plus the (yet-to-be-seen) Silkworm documentary, and I can put 2008 to bed as far as rock docs go. I will never watch the Roky, Jandek (don’t get me started!!), or Daniel Johnston documentaries again. Ever. I’ve watched American Hardcore, We Jam Econo, and Not a Photograph several times (this year) for research purposes. My second of many dates with Busted Circuits is scheduled for late tonight, before bed.

2. Color me excited about starting Richard Price’s Lush Life. Color me apprehensive re: his handling of 20/30-something culture.

3. I remember when there were fifty of these…at a dollar per unit.

Enjoy this 100% accurate interview with 50% of Earles and Jensen.

This weekend, try to hold off on that much-needed oil change. You’ll live. You’re engine might not, but you will. Use the money to purchase Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!!) on Super Tuesday the 6th!!! That’s f*cking five days away!!! Am I stunned? I am stunned!!

PLUS….something most convenient for Memphis area residents:
To celebrate the release of Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!!) on Matador Records, I will be delivering a little monologue, giving a little presentation, playing a little call or two, and taking a little question or two on Saturday, May 10th at Goner Records.

Info:

5:30 PM

FREE!!

2152 Young Avenue, Memphis!!!

Timing is everything.

Hearing is believing.

Holding it in your hands: Gold.

(ARTICLE)

Rockingham, N.C. County Sheriff

Missing man found dressed like doctor with dead deer in stolen ambulance

Sun-Sentinel
Posted September 28 2005, 9:43 AM EDT

JACKSONVILLE — A man reported missing from a Florida hospital was found in

North Carolina dressed like a doctor and driving a stolen ambulance with a dead

deer wedged in the back, authorities said.

Leon Holliman Jr., 37, was reported missing from a River Region Human Services

facility in Jacksonville last month. The North Carolina State Highway Patrol found

him driving the ambulance with the deer on Sunday.

“I don’t know how the man got it up in there,'’ said Sgt. Robert Pearson. “It

was a six point buck.'’

It wasn’t known where Holliman got the deer, which had been dead for some time, Pearson said.

Authorities tracked the stolen ambulance through three rural North Carolina counties and one county in southern Virginia before its tires were punctured and it wound up in a ditch, Pearson said.

Holliman was admitted to a North Carolina hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Police said they would decide whether to charge Holliman after that evaluation is complete.

What a fantastic title for a romantic dramedy. But for now, it correctly represents the amount of time until Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol. 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!) is released on Matador Records.

Pre-Order! Learn something new!

Another dispatch from Scag Winesack, Retired P.I., Former Cop, Terminated F.B.I. Agent. This one is from mid-2006. Enjoy!

Chasing a subject in unsavory conditions.

Chasing someone up several flights of stairs is pretty overrated. Not recommended. I gotten to the point where two flights does me in, so I just start unloading my pistol up through the flights; maybe I’ll nick a finger while I’m catching my breath. Another good way to absolve this situation is to start a fire in the stairwell. Fires tend to disorientate prey. The elevator is your best friend. Catch it and meet your perp as he burst from the exit door on a higher floor. Then throw him (or her…I’m not sexist) down those eleven or so flights. It will be a nice reminder of why it’s a bad idea to avoid Skag Winesack when Skag Winesack has some questions for you.

Believe the hype about alleyways, they’re just as treacherous as the movies would have you believe. Garbage cans, bums, howling stray cats, fire escapes…it’s all there. Your best defense against fleeing, human vermin is a quick shot to the bricks from whatever firearm is handy. Aim to the right or left of the head (unless this is one of “those” cases) and the ricocheting brick particles will “temporarily” “bloke” the squirmy fartblossom’s vision. This is especially useful if the asshole accidentally runs into oncoming traffic, as you cannot be held liable.

Pursuing someone through the middle of a basketball game is tricky. Try to avoid NBA games, but if you must, here are some pointers: 1. Immediately take out the mascot. Not that they will be your biggest obstacle, but they are really stupid and irritating. Go for the knees, or cut a small hole in the back of the silly animal suit and insert the barrel of a flare gun. That’ll get “its” attention. 2. Depending on the speed and agility of your perp, you may have to take a couple of shots, make a couple of passes, yell some profanity, etc. You can handle it. 3. Do not gun down suspect. I’ve heard that NBA games are monitored by camera.

Rooftop chases are easy as long as you have a helicopter, or the perp has been fitted with an Invisible Fence collar.

Fires are also useful during warehouse pursuits. Flush ‘em right out.

Stay tuned for later installments in this series. I might cover chases through buses, courtrooms, weddings, horse shows, funerals, parades, political executions, farmer’s markets, aquariums, museums, horse/dog races, mom and pop hardware stores, jazz festivals, and heavily populated beaches, but I ain’t promising anything.